The picture.
I can only imagine how I looked. I feel sick, my stomach revolting, and I want to throw up but there’s nothing but bile. I hate thathe saw it. I hate it so much I could be ripped out of this body of mine. This body I hate right now. It feels disgusting, like a dirty suit I’ve been forced to wear. It’s been less than a day, but I feel I’ve lived ten lifetimes since that camera flash.
I want to forget it.
I want him to forget it.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I say through gritted teeth.
The sweat has dried on my forehead, and I feel cold in my bones.
“I’m not looking at you like anything,” Jamie argues, but I see the angle of his eyebrows and lips. He’s pitying me.
“Don’tlookat me like I’m a wounded puppy you found on the side of the road,” I hiss, feeling irrationally angry. Maybe it’s because he took my revenge for me. But I have no idea how I would have been able to take it. There’s nowhere for this energy to go.
“I’m not supposed to feel bad for what happened to you?” he snaps, and the volume of his voice draws people’s attention toward us.
I ball my hands into fists. I don’t know how to explain it. The gratitude. The fear. The anger. The doubt. Then all at once, my thoughts go quiet.
“What do you want to do with the picture?” he asks. “We could go to the—”
“No.” My voice comes out sharp, full of fear. “No,no oneis seeing that picture. Please delete it.”
He stares. “Jihad, this is evidence.”
“I know what it is.” I hug myself tightly. “But if it gets out, this is all people will see when they look at me. Nothing I ever do will let me escape it. I didn’t let them get to meoncethis whole year. Not the stupid comments or the jokes or anything, and I know it made them angry. That I never backed down. Which is why they did this. But this picture means they did win, and they didn’t.” My eyes burn with tears, but my gaze is angry. “Theydidn’twin.”
Even though my voice trembles, my expression is steel. He takes out his phone, pulling it up.
“There. Deleted.”
“Thank you,” I say, and rub my eyes. “God, I know they’ll pin it on me. I’m going to get expelled. My dad is putting all his life savings into this. I can’t—”
“Jihad, it’s okay,” he says quietly, and I look up at him. “I did this. Not you. And I would do it all over again. So what if I get expelled? It’s not the end of the world.”
Breathing hurts. “The police were here for a mural. What do you think will happen when a judge’s son was hurt?”
He looks unbothered, maddingly calm. “I’ll take responsibility. It was all me. I won’t let them pin this on you.”
By second period, the whole school knows what happened.
Rumors spread between the truths, and I hear flashes of them. That Jamie threatened Mason and Adrian with a knife. Mason had pictures of me without my hijab, and I asked Jamie to beat them up. I slapped Nicole and called her a bitch while Jamie took care of the boys. The more plausible rumor, which may be true, is that an ambulance came to the school to take Mason and Adrian to hospital. That Mason was suffering from a ruptured stomach or something. I don’t see them the whole day, and my anxiety rises.
One girl I’ve never talked to before gets the courage to ask me if Jamie and I are dating.
“No,” I reply vehemently.
“Okay, fine, jeez.” She rolls her eyes. “You really live up to the stereotype, don’t you?”
Before I can ask her what the hell she means, she’s gone.
Jamie sits with me during classes. He’s distracted, his kneejumping, and now that the adrenaline has calmed down, it’s dawning on him what happened.
It’s third period when Alexis and her friends make an appearance. They pointedly ignore me and Jamie, and I notice that Jenny’s and Hayley’s eyes are rimmed red like they’ve been crying. Alexis makes such a point of pretending I don’t exist that it’s painfully obvious. Nicole is carrying herself like she’s been through war and survived. A couple of girls she passes by hold her hand, and she squeezes back reassuringly. And that’s all the proof I need to know how this narrative has been twisted.
Just before lunchtime, Jamie gets called to the principal’s office, and I don’t see him for the rest of the day.
No one comes near me. No one bothers me, and even though I don’t hear a word of any lesson, it’s the first time in forever I have a somewhat normal day at school. By the end of the day, I’m half dead with worry, and all the messages I sent Jamie are unanswered.
