I wish we could fall in love.
KHAWF ISN’T PLEASED ABOUT MY CONVERSATIONwith Kenan, but I refuse to speak to him, instead lying on my bed and facing the wall, thinking about Kenan’s eyes and our interaction today.
“Aren’t you concerned you didn’t see Am today?” he goes on, standing in front of me, so I twist to the other side. He appears there too, and I groan loudly. “What if he’s run away with your money?”
“Run away where? The only way he makes money is by taking people to the boats, and with the way food prices are, the money I gave him won’t last forever. I’ll see him tomorrow. His daughter was injured, remember? He won’t be missing the chance at more medicine.”
Khawf purses his lips, his eyes gleaming like icicles in the dark room. “Fine,” he finally says. “Kenan isn’t changing your mind, is he?”
I blow out a puff of air. “No. I will always choose Layla. Over anyone.”
He smiles, satisfied. “But are you choosing yourself as well?”
I frown.
He gestures at me. “You haven’t eaten anything all day.”
I clench my jaw. How annoying it is for my brain to have me in its clutches like this.
Earlier I whipped up a dinner of canned tuna immersed in olive oil and salt, which I took one bite of before my stomach threatened to expel everything. I don’t feel hungry anymore. Not with what I did to Samar. Layla didn’t eat either, and when I asked her if she’d eaten anything, she said she wasn’t hungry. She wants to save as much food as she can for the journey.
Khawf’s voice is as deadly as nightshade. “If you’re not careful, Salama, you might become the instrument of your destruction.”
“I already changed my mind about leaving,” I grumble. “So why are you tormenting me?”
His lips curl into a slow smile. “You did. But a lot can happen between now and the boat’s departure. I can’t have that. You’re not in control, Salama. I am. Remember: If you’re arrested, then I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be showing you all sorts of terrible things. Kenan beaten to within an inch of his life. Hamza, a husk.” He leans forward and I stand my ground, refusing to let my lips tremble. “What’s interesting, Salama, is that you’ll be the one coming up with all these scenarios. I’m a part of your mind. Youneedall these horrible hallucinations. You need me.”
I scowl. “I know this is my brain trying to protect Layla and me. You made that clear. But it doesn’t mean I have to like it!”
He snaps his fingers and Layla is sprawled on the floor beside my bed. Blood seeps onto the floorboards, and she twitches.
My heart lodges in my throat and I tear my eyes back to Khawf. He’s studying my reaction.
“It’s not her,” I say, my voice barely a rasp.
“Never forget who’s in control here.”
I close my eyes, whispering “daisies” to myself, and when I open them, hallucination Layla is gone. But she still lives in my mind.
To my utter relief, Am is at the hospital the next day. His eyes are dull, and his beard is patchy. He looks as miserable as I feel.
He stops when he sees me, eyes narrowing as I extend the hand that has the Panadol tablet in it.
“Here.”
Am chews his cheek and opens his palm.
“Kenan is coming in later. He’ll have your money.”
He grunts.
“I want to ask you what we should pack. What do we need for the journey?”
He massages his forehead. “Important documents. Food. Your own water. Something to fight the seasickness. Nothing too heavy.”
My head spins. “Okay. Okay.”
“Is that all?”
