THE COLD REMINDS ME OF LASTDECEMBER,WHENI came back from the hospital dripping with snow and sleet. Layla was on the couch, wearingallher clothes. I had huddled up beside my hallucination and fallen asleep, thinking I was warming myself, but the cold just continued to coat my bones, forcing itself inside.
But despite its familiarity, this cold doesn’t lull me to sleep. Instead, it sends shock wave after shock wave through my body. I sink under the sea, opening my eyes to the dark blue-black that stretches on for miles.
Fear grapples with me. My heart seizes, my trachea constricts, and my extremities are so cold they burn. Before I can scream, my life jacket shoots me out of the water.
“Mama,” I cry without thinking. “Mama,save me!”
I kick my legs in the water, the fear dissolving into hysteria. It chokes out of me in broken sobs when I remember there are sharks in the Mediterranean.
“Mama,” I chant, holding on to that one word and letting it expand and wash over me. “Mama.Mama. Please,pleasesave me.Please.I can’t do this anymore!”
At this moment, I’m half crazed, kicking my legs to keep sharks at bay—as if it would be of any help against their razor teeth and soulless eyes. Every thought disappears. I’m forgetting my name and who I was with. Who I’m supposed to be with. All I can think of is how I’m going to be dragged down.
“Salama!” A voice cuts through the hysteria and I clumsily try to turn around, hot tears streaming down my cheeks. The cold sears right to my ribs. It hurts to breathe.
Blurry figures become sharp and I see a bobbing person with terrified eyes. Yusuf. And just behind him is Lama.
My heart resets. Yes. I can’t lose myself. My family is here. Yusuf. Lama. And Kenan.
Kenan.
Where is he?
“Lama! Yusuf!” The pressure of the water must have wrenched my hand out of Kenan’s. All around, people are swimming, looking for their loved ones, and familiar screams rise on the frigid wind. My bag is still trapped under my life jacket. “Where’s Kenan?”
“I don’t know,” Lama sobs.
“Kenan!Where are you?” I shriek.God, please let him live. He’s had enough.
I swivel helplessly, my eyes jumping from one body to the next, but I only see strangers.
“We need to get away from the boat,” I say. I look back and it’s starting to sink. They nod and with effort try to swim after me. We keep looking, calling out for Kenan. I splash around, my life jacket making it impossible to easily move. I strain, searching the boat with my eyes, but there’s no one.
“There!” Lama screams, pointing at a floating figure. Both his arms are spread out like he’s trying to embrace the sea, and his head droops to the side. I make my way to him and brush his hair out of his face to make sure it’s him.
“Oh, thank God,” I exclaim, hugging him close. “He’s here. It’s him!”
Awkwardly, I try to check his pulse. It’s weaker than I’d like. The shock of the water must have thrown him unconscious, and he can’t stay like that for long. His face is ice cold.
“Is he okay?” Yusuf asks, and I lift Kenan’s head. His neck muscles are completely slack.
“He’s unconscious,” I say, and I hear the boat finally going below, but I can’t care about that right now. “Kenan. Wake up!”
After minutes of slapping his face and praying to God, his eyes flutter open, and he mumbles something incoherent.
“Hey,” I say gently, grasping his cheeks and then grabbing one hand to see that his fingers have taken on a blue hue.
“Hey,” he whispers.
“We’re in the water. The boat just went down, and you were unconscious. You can’t fall asleep. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” he says foggily and grimaces from the cold.
“All right, everyone,” I call out, looping my hand under Kenan’s life jacket. “We need to head to where the others are and see if the captain made contact with the Italian coast guard.”
“I’m cold,” Lama sniffs.
“That’s the other thing. I need you all to keep moving. Keep the blood flowing. Or else you’ll fall asleep, and that’s not good.”
