I think I interrupted them midsentence, because they share a raised-eyebrow glance, and then Lou says, “He used to be like this all the time. Hunter was always teasing everyone, making us laugh until our stomachs hurt. He was the life of every party. Either he’s really excited about the deal he helped me close ... or he really likes you.”
I flush, pulling the blanket around my shoulders a little bit tighter, even though it’s not really that cold.
“Nothing like professional success and a date with a hot girl to lift a guy’s mood,” Talia says.
But Lou doesn’t laugh this time. “You reallydolike him, don’t you?”
I lift a shoulder. “I ... I think I do. And ...”
“And?” Talia prompts.
“And I’m ... a lot of things. Excited. Nervous. And ... terrified.” I pick at the blanket, not able to meet either of their eyes when I quietly say, “I’m sorry I got so mad at both of you. Because you were right. He told me that I can’t scare him off because he already knows life can end for anyone at any time. And that should make me thrilled, right?”
“But it scared you,” Lou says, and I nod, the previous laughter gone.
“I do like him. A lot. And I want to date him and kiss him and see if it goes somewhere. But what if itdoes? What if we fall for each other? How can I let that happen, knowing how much he’s already endured—knowing I’m condemning him to more pain?”
“Livvy.” Lou scoots closer to me and wraps her arm around my shoulder. “You have to stop.”
I shrug beneath her arm with a nod, but my eyes are filling with tearsagain. I’m like a freaking watering pot these days. “I know. I know I need to think positive. I need to assume the best. But ... I don’t know how. Itry. For seven years, I’vetried. The best I can do isnotthink about it. Because when Idogo there, all I can think about is how scared I am that at any minute, my miracle is going to be taken away—and if it is, that means I have to pray for someone else todieso I can live. You can’t really get any lower than hoping someone else will die in time to save you. I don’t knowwhatto pray for, what to cling to.”
Talia snuggles into my other side. “Oh, Liv.” She and Lou wrap me in their arms, quietly absorbing my fear, my guilt, my constant internal battle.
After a little bit, Talia quietly says, “It’s normal to be scared. I bet it’s even normal to feel guilt. But you have to fight those thoughts. Tell them all the reasons they’re wrong.”
“You want me to talk to my thoughts?”
“Yes. Write them down if you have to—and then write down the reasons those thoughts are wrong.” Talia squeezes me. “It’s what my therapist taught me after my parents’ divorce. For example, if you catch yourself thinking, ‘I like Hunter, but I can’t let us get serious because I might die, and that would break his heart,’ you tell yourself, ‘Actually, I’m in really good health, I have amazing doctors, and if Hunter and I fall for each other, there’s no reason to assume anything will go wrong. What if it all goes right? What if we get a lifetime together—if I am brave enough to reach for it?’”
I’m full-on crying now, nose running, eyes leaking, shoulders shaking. Because she’s right. They’re all right. “I’mscared,” I admit. “I’m scared to fight back against my own fears because...”
“Because if you do, you might let yourself be happy?” Lou’s voice is soft.
I nod, sniffing and untangling my hands from the blanket to wipe at my wet face.
“And then it might get taken away,” Talia adds gently.
“It’s so dumb, I know.”
“It’snotdumb. You’ve been through a lot, Liv,” Talia says. “You lost your dad, then your grandpa, had to move to a different state, and then spent six months in the hospital your senior year, not knowing if you’d live or die. I think it’s understandable that you’re afraid.”
Lou grips my hand while Talia rubs my back.
“But you can do this—you canchooseto be happy. Youdeserveto be happy.”
“What I don’t deserve is you two. I sure know how to bring down a no-sad-topics girls’ night, huh? One minute, you’re both laughing hysterically about shaved legs and making out with a banker in a Benz, and the next, you’re having to console me because of my looming death fears.”
“Your very-far-in-the-distance death fears, you mean,” Talia corrects me.
“Myhopefullyvery-far-in-the-distance death fears,” I concede.
“Good enough ... for now,” Talia says.
“And don’t worry. You didn’t ruin anything. What’s a girls’ night without someone having a complete breakdown?” Lou teases. “But my crack-corn is getting more solid by the minute, and this new Chris Hemsworth movie isn’t going to watch itself. Let’s get this party started!”
“He’s one of those guys who keeps getting better with age.” Talia bites the corner of her lip.
And just like that, we’re back to giggling, albeit with tear-streaked cheeks and a snotty nose—at least on my end.
