Grasping her ass, I pick her up. Then I carry her into my room.
“Finally,” she says, the word an echo of my own thoughts. The sheer relief in those three syllables sums up what I’ll never truly be able to voice.
With her legs wrapped around my waist, I settle on the bed and hug her to my chest.
“What are you doing?” she murmurs, amusement tinging her tone.
“Savoring every freaking second of this.”
Hands on my cheeks, she pulls back and holds my gaze. “I’m not going anywhere, JJ. Rush, go slow, do whatever feels right, because we aren’t running anymore.”
Eyes falling closed, I press my forehead to hers. “I just—” I inhale, straightening and drinking her in. “I’ve been so fucking scared that I’ll screw it all up again. For years all we’ve had are moments. Snippets of time I clung to during the days I wasn’t near you. First when we were teenagers. You saved me when my mom was going through chemo. Doyou know that? I lived for the few moments we had together before we’d fall asleep. Your head on the pillow beside mine. Your eyes the last thing I’d see.”
I blow out a shaky breath, brushing my thumb over her cheek.
“I’d wake up extra early to watch you sleep. To listen to you breathe. When I got into the NHL, I’d wait for your calls, Adeline. If I’d known?—”
I shake my head still so goddamn angry at myself.
“If I’d had a fucking clue that you felt for me what I felt for you, there would never have been anyone else. I just?—”
My body shudders as I inhale deeply.
This woman is perfect. Even now, she’s silent, listening, allowing me to find my words.
“I’m so glad I have Avery, but I hate that I lost you because of it. That we only had one moment in time. And I’m scared that I’ll screw this up again. That I’ll get tonight and that by the time dawn comes around, it’ll all be taken away again.”
She licks her lips, her eyes glassy. “I lived for the moment you’d look up from the net and catch me behind the glass. You’d light up. There could be hundreds of people watching, but it mattered to you that I was there.”
I huff out a laugh. “You were the person I wanted there most.” I shrug. “I missed you. I looked for you. Even after everything.”
“The thing about moments is, they’re what we remember,” she murmurs. “And in every moment that truly mattered, you were there. And I really tried to be there for your big ones too.”
“You were.”
We may not have been speaking, but she attended every birthday party we threw for Avery. My little girl loves Adeline because even though she wasn’t with me, Adeline never disappeared completely. She could be counted on. Our families spend holidays together, so I saw her plenty, even during the bad times. It was torture. I don’t know whether I was the one not talking to her or she wasn’t talking to me. Either way, we didn’t speak. But she was there.
And I was there the night she played her last game in the PWHL just like I’ll be there for her first game in the NHL.
But if we’re going to do this right, I need to tell her everything. I don’t just want moments anymore. I want everything. So I take a deep breath and garner the strength to open up. “You were there for all the big ones, but if I hadn’t fucked up so badly, you would have been there for more. I’m sorry. I’ll never stop regretting marrying Tabitha.”
She winces.
“I don’t want to talk about her, truly.” I sigh. “But I’m not sure that we can move forward until I say this.”
She nods without argument.
“It was never a real marriage. Not like…” I consider moving on. She doesn’t need to know this, but I want to clean the slate. Fuck it, “Not like we would have.”
Her eyes flare, but before she can freak out about it, I go on.
“I never touched her. We were roommates, raising a child together. That wasall.”
Adeline’s entire body goes still and she squeezes her lips tight.
“It’s only been you since that night after the Olympics, baby,” I whisper. I made a promise to her then, and I want her to know I kept it. Even if I broke so many others. “Still,” I continue, knowing that my celibacy doesn’t atone for everything else I did wrong, “even a piece of paper connecting me to her is too much. I’m doing my best to make it right. I’ve been trying to serve her with divorce papers for weeks. So not only are you not my coach anymore, but soon I won’t be married anymore either. We can be together, Adeline. As soon as the divorce is final. We don’t have to be a secret anymore.”
Ducking, she shakes her head.“We can’t tell anyone about us.”
