You almost dropped the cup, but you managed, somehow, to hang on. And before you could say anything, or ask a shaky-voiced question, she added:
“You’re in love with me.”
There weren’t any words then. Not one. Usually, there were a few in your head at least, even if they didn’t always make it to your mouth. But this time, there was nothing. Just some dizziness and an inability to breathe. You found yourself wanting Baba to return and hit you with the baseball bat just so your outsides could match your insides.
“Diana,” you said.
“I understand,” she said. “It’s not something you chose.”
She reached over and opened the window, and a cold breeze came pouring into the humid kitchen. You couldn’t help wondering how long she’d known. Was everything you did completely obvious to everyone? The evening was turning cool, and the wind through the screen gave you goose bumps. But you managed to walk back to the table and sit down. Neither of you spoke. So eventually, you cut into what she called a “sarma” with a fork and tried a bite. It was better than it smelled. Some kind of spiced meat on the inside. So you had another bite, and before you knew it, you were halfway through the dish.
“This is actually really good,” you said.
“She might have anger problems,” said Diana. “And strange ideas about birth control. But that lady can cook.”
She joined you at the table, shoving a half-finished sudoku out of the way, and looking up at the ceiling. Then before you could get another nervous bite into your mouth, Diana suddenly leaned over the space between you and kissed you on the mouth.
You didn’t move, and unlike every movie you’ve seen, your eyes weren’t closed. You weren’t sure if you kissed her back, but you didn’tnotkiss her back. And you saw the pained look on her face when your lips detached. She reached out and put a hand on your cheek, and her palm was still wet from the dishes. Then she pulled back and looked you in the eye.
“You taste like cabbage,” she said.
And you noticed she was crying.
You set your fork down and sat back in your chair. You reached out and put a hand on her back. Everything had happened so fast, you weren’t sure what to feel yet. This wasn’t exactly how youimagined your first kiss going. Somehow, it never occurred to you that there might be tears.
You stood up then.
“Okay,” you said. “I’m going to guess, based on that reaction, that things are maybe kind of confusing. And that I should go…”
Diana didn’t make eye contact.
“Please give Baba my best,” you said, “and tell her the sarmas were…”
“Don’t go,” she said.
So you stopped.
“I’m worried about Sean,” she said.
You weren’t sure if she meant in general, or what exactly, but you just decided to be honest.
“Me too,” you said.
“He’s got more going on than you think,” she said. “He needs to talk to someone, and I don’t think it can be me.”
You nodded. And immediately the guilt came roaring back. What were you doing here? Diana stood up and faced you.
“Look. I have some complicated feelings for you, Case. I always have. Obviously, I need to think more about that. But I just don’t want to lose you in my life. Do you understand that?”
“Yeah,” you said.
“So can we just forget that happened?”
“I’m probably not going to forget that happened until the day I die,” you said. “But I can pretend.”
“Okay,” she said.
“Zbogom,” you said then, which you were pretty sure was goodbye in Serbian.
