She says it quietly, but you almost drop your paddle in that moment. Because Diana is exactly right. You are an idiot. It never once occurred to you that this might be the reason. From up ahead, Fran is staring at the two of you. The sun is so bright, but when you close your eyes, Troy starts yelling about something. You open your eyes again, shielding them with your hand, and you see him standing up in the wobbly canoe and pointing.
“Trail! Trail!”
“You’re tipping the boat!” says Fran. “Sit down, man!”
Troy turns back to you and motions with his paddle.
“That’s a trail!” he screams.
“Troy!” shouts Will. “Down! Now! Or I will end you!”
He pulls Troy back down by his pants. You and Diana start paddling again, inching toward what seems to be a trailhead. It’s a small rocky beach, with a worn path beneath some overhanging brush.
“Then all of this is my fault,” you say.
No response. Just the sound of a submerging paddle.
“In a way, I guess,” she says.
It’s unclear how serious she is being. But hunger is scattering your thoughts, so all you can do is nod your pounding head.
“I’m serious,” you say. “I think…”
“How do we stop this?” Diana says.
“Well, I mean if we can find Silas that would be key…,” you say.
“No,” she says. “I mean, how do we stop the boat. We’re right by the shore.”
A rocky shore. In your lack of attention, you’re drifting toward a rock. And though you stick a paddle deep in the lake, your canoe immediately slams into the blue-gray outcropping and you jerk to a halt.
At first glance, nothing seems to be broken, but you immediately hop out and soak your boots, examining the front of the canoe. Diana gets out more calmly. And you don’t say anything to each other as you both clamber up some wet rocks to the shore. You’re still lost in your thoughts as Troy volunteers you to go on the first foraging mission with him and Fran.
“We have two days to make it to the drop,” says Will. “So you can’t take too much time. Bring us some calories. Don’t poison us. Is that possible?”
Troy salutes him.
Will and Diana are going to stay back and make a fire so you can cook whatever you find. You look at Diana once more.
“If I hadn’t told you at Perkins that night,” you say. “If I’d been a better brother…”
Diana looks at you intently.
“Not now,” she says. “Go. Forage.”
Moments later, you are tramping aimlessly out into the woods, and Troy is describing plants. “So ramps are gonna have two leaves and a stem with a reddish hue…”
But you can barely hear him.
You’re thinking of Sean, and the way he used to tease you about all the things you were oblivious to.How did you get this far in life?That was his favorite refrain.Case! Seriously. How did you get this far in life without seeing that Dad hates his job? How did you get this far in life without knowing Aunt Gretchen is an alcoholic? How did you get this far in life without noticing that your social studies teacher is so hot?
How many other things have you failed to notice? How many people have you misread? And how much is the anxiety to blame, the way it cloisters you in your own brain, chanting the same daily refrains?
“I’ve never been this hungry,” says Fran. “It hasn’t even been a full day, but goddamn, dude, I would punch a baby lamb for some veal right now.”
Troy wipes his nose with his arm.
“I don’t think there are any lambs in the North Woods,” he says.
