“COUNTRY ROADS! TAKE ME HOME!!”
Will turns around, and in that moment he seems to come back to himself. He’s scared and angry, but he starts waving his hands.
“Troy, no!” he says. “Get back in the tent!”
But Troy does not get back in the tent. He keeps walking toward the bears. And the mama bear takes a good look at Troy. She takes in his pan and his horrendous singing. She clocks him coming closer, cocking her head slightly.
And she stops dead in her tracks.
“WEST VIRGINIA!” Troy screams atonally. “MOUNTAIN MAMA!”
And you wait, wondering at which moment both of your companions are going to be ripped apart in front of you. You also can’t help wondering if you will be next. But the mama bear, who is probably 250 pounds to Troy’s 115, does not charge for some reason. And she does not immediately attack, claws flying, the way you imagine.
Instead, she snorts once and slowly turns around. She does a complete 180. And she doesn’t just walk; sheboundsback into the woods with her cub behind her. She runs on all four bear legs and does not stop to take another gander at the fresh hell behind her. And Troy, who never stops banging, switches from John Denver to some kind of war cry and then to screaming:
“THAT’S RIGHT, BEAR! YOU BETTER RUN! DON’T COME BACK! DON’T MESS WITH US AGAIN, BEAR! DO NOT! DO NOT! AIIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
Will actually has to put a hand on Troy’s shoulder to get him to stop screaming. At which point everyone is watching. Diana ison the rock, clutching her granola bar. Fran is holding her. You’re still hugging a cooler like your life depends on it (which it might). And Troy is in some kind of warrior pose, holding his weapon aloft, which you can see now, in the brighter light of daybreak, is actually your collapsible whisk.
TWENTY-ONE
“Gimme the whisk,” says Will.
Troy holds tight.
“Give it to me, bro. You’re going to whisk your eye out or something.”
This has been going on for a few minutes, but Troy will not let go of the whisk. If anything, his grip has gotten tighter. So Will finally gives up. He drops his hands to his sides and just stands next to Troy. It’s strange to see the two of them next to each other without fighting. But here they are. And when Will speaks, his voice is soft and calm.
“Do you want to sit down?” he asks.
Troy shakes his head.
“Look, I’m pretty sure you just saved my life,” says Will. “Sit down. Rest.”
Troy doesn’t move. Finally, he puts his face in his hands and mumbles something no one can hear.
“What was that?” asks Will.
Troy raises his head.
“She was showing bluster,” he says.
“What does that even mean?”
“It means I didn’t save your life. Black bears don’t really attack much. It’s almost unheard of. Even if they think their cubs are indanger, they retreat. All that stuff the mama bear was doing was just out of fear. It was fake. You were going to be fine. I didn’t save anything. I’m just having a breakdown.”
Troy takes a few breaths and looks up at the sky.
“I don’t know,” says Fran. “She looked pretty pissed to me.”
“Also, how do you know all that… about bears?” says Diana.
“Discovery Channel,” he says. “I have insomnia.”
Everyone takes this in. We all have different ways of dealing with the sleeplessness. This, apparently, is Troy’s.
“So your anxiety saved us,” Fran says.
