You waved your hands impatiently.
“Okay, so there are some technical differences in translation, but it basically means: Go back in your dad’s balls!”
Right as she said this, Geoff set down the food, a tattered copy ofDunepoking out of the pocket of his baggy black pants.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Geoff!” she said. “Not you. You can stay outside your dad’s… I mean… you don’t have to crawl back in there.”
She started laughing again. Geoff grimaced and backed away and did not check on the two of you for the rest of the night.
It became a tradition after that. Each time you went to Perkins, she would teach you a Serbian swear. Which is how, in time, you learned to tell people to have sex with their mothers, their dogs, their goats, their ponies, and oddly enough, their bread. Oh, and the sun. Go f#$% the sun! You also learned how to tell people where to go: to the devil, back inside their mother, to hell, and any other terrible place you could think of. And on one memorable night, when it was snowing and the highway was deserted, you told an unsuspecting man who cut you off in the parking lot that he must have boned a hedgehog’s back last night, making Diana snort with laughter.
“Your pronunciation is so bad!” she said, and collapsed against your shoulder, where she stayed for the rest of the drive home, falling asleep as you steered the Corolla slowly through the falling snow.
When you got to your house, you drove around the block two more times before waking her up. You told yourself it was so she could get more sleep, but you suspected, as you passed your house for the second time, that it might be about the feeling of her head against your body. She reached into your pockets sometimes to take things, and once she had grabbed your hand when a car honked at her. But something about this was different. Andfor the first time on one of these nights out, you thought of Sean asleep in his bed.
So you closed your eyes, took a breath, and gently woke her.
She didn’t seem bothered by where she was, but it was past her curfew, so she immediately called her grandmother on her old cell phone. Whenever this kind of thing happened, there was always one phrase she said over and over again. Molimo vas. As in: “Molimo vas, Baba. Another half hour and I’ll be home.” Or: “Molimo vas. I don’t want to hear about this anymore.”
It was the wordplease, she finally told you. But the way she used it—it was always an urging for something. For her grandmother to show some leniency. It was a rare time when you heard her get emotional, a window into something a little darker in her home life. And on this night, when she hung up the phone and an awkward silence fell over the car, you finally asked her why she didn’t live with her parents. Where were they?
At that, she reached out and grabbed your hand and said the words softly.
“Molimo vas.”
As in:Please, Case. Don’t ask me about that.
And just like that, the closeness she’d just shown you was gone.
EIGHT
The words are still fresh in your memory. Even though it’s been half a year since you sat in the usual booth for your final lesson, you recognize them instantly when Diana says them out loud to Silas. And that first phrase is the key that unlocks the others. It’s not just the words, though; it’s the memory of her saying them, and how content she seemed just hanging out with you, drinking endless cups of coffee and grabbing at the table in fits of laughter.
You also remember the way it felt to be there. How safe. And how you never seemed to have panic attacks on those nights, even if you’d had an especially anxious day. Like there was a spell over the roof of that green-awninged restaurant and the Serbian words were a secret charm that kept your nervous system at bay.
Both Silas and Diana are looking at you now. Diana because she wants you to do something, and Silas because he thinks Diana has completely lost her mind and he’s hoping you can provide some kind of an explanation. So you attempt to pull it together for a moment. But this time, a familiar tightness in your chest begins. A tingling in your temples.
“Um, yeah,” you say. “So I do have a question, actually…”
The air is quiet, chirps and buzzes of the woods occasionally filling the space. Above you, the sky is so blue it seems to soak into your skin. Everything around you suddenly feels so immense.You’re stuck right on the edge of a panic attack, so you shuffle around in your mind for one of your therapist’s tricks. Eventually you find one. Just describing five things you see. Rooting your body in the now. That’s worked before.
A single cloud reflected on the surface of the lake. One.
“Okay. What’s your question?” says Silas. “We don’t have a lot of time here, Case.”
A tiny water strider bug, balancing right on top of the water. Two.
“Well…,” you say.
A frayed lace on Silas’s left hiking boot.
You’re at three, but it’s not working. You desperately search around for another detail, trying to focus in on one tiny part of this lush wilderness. Instead, time slows and the air around you gets thick and soupy. You feel that old disassociation starting in, like you’re watching everything happen to a stranger. Finally, when the sweat starts to bead on your forehead, you know it’s happening. You’re now in a full-blown panic attack.
Diana watches you as you melt down into an awkward crouch, breathing heavily.
“Hold on. Wait a minute. Calm down, Case,” Silas says. “Is this about the bags?”
Your labored breathing immediately comes to a halt.
