“I almost cried. I was worried about college, and who my roommate was going to be, and I had gotten this guy. It was kind of amazing.”
“How long did it last?”
“A few months. I was never alone when I didn’t want tobe. Wherever he was going, it was assumed I would come along. Study sessions. Dinner. Red Sox games. Or just long walks, which is what he liked to do best. When I asked him why, he quoted Thomas Jefferson: ‘The sovereign invigorator of the body is exercise, and of all the exercises, walking is the best.’ Really kind of dorky when you think about it. But he seemed so genuine.”
“And that’s when I met him right? During this time?”
“Yes.”
“What did he say about me?”
I listened to Daniel take a few breaths and heard him rustle around in his bed.
“He said he had gone to Iowa and fallen in love with a girl who puked at a party. And that he was going to marry her.”
“Did he tell you about our talks after that?”
“Sometimes.”
“How did you feel about that?”
“I don’t know. Happy, I guess.”
“Were you jealous?”
Silence.
“It’s more complicated than that.”
“How? How is it more complicated?”
I wished I could keep my anger from flaring up justonce. But anytime I caught him justifying things, I felt like throwing the phone across the room.
“I was in love with him,” he said.
I didn’t hear his breath this time, on the other end. I got the feeling he might be holding it.
“What do you mean?”
He didn’t answer.
“So, you’re gay?”
“No. I mean, not really. I don’t think so.”
“But you were in love with another guy.”
“I know. It wasn’t really sexual, though. I just loved him and I wanted to be part of his life. And so I wanted to love you the way he loved you.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“I don’t know how to explain it. I just cared about him so much that I felt like I cared for you, too, because you were part of him. You were part of that love. I know it’s kind of messed up, but that’s how I felt.”
He stopped talking, but I found I had nothing to say. I didn’t want to tell him that I understood. Maybe not the creepy part about loving me without meeting me. But just that you loved who you loved, even when it was weird. Maybebecauseit was weird. Like a person you’d met once at a party. A person you didn’t really know at all.
“When he stopped taking his meds and everything started to fall apart, I didn’t want this to fall apart, too. The thing with you. You understand? I wanted to save it.”
“Okay. And after you’d saved it, what did you want then?”
