She reminded herself that this wasn’t his fault, that his pain was as real as any physical injury. Would she be making him hobble out of the apartment if both his legs were in casts? “Okay. It’s okay.” She held up the water glass she’d poured for him earlier. The ice cubes had melted, but it appeared untouched.
Through chapped lips, Dustin took a reluctant sip, then another. As he drank, Rae felt herself becoming hydrated too.
“I love you,” she said.
“I love you,” he echoed, but that’s all it was—an echo.
It was getting harder to distinguish where the depression stopped and Dustin started. The demons had such a grip on him that it felt like he was starting to agree with them, starting to prefer their thoughts to his own.
She fought the urge to lie down beside him. She couldn’t be late to Ellen’s party, and more than that, she couldn’t face Dustin’s resistance or indifference as she tried and failed and tried again to transfer the balance from her heart into his.
Deep down, she still believed Dustin would never let her go, but she wasn’t as sure as she’d once been.
“I’ll be back by ten,” Rae said. “Don’t drink too much.”
Dustin put his headphones back on. “Yes, Mom.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
AVOIDING THE CORPORATE BREAKUP
Why didn’t you come out last night, EE?
TB instant-messaged Rae at work a few days later.
The guys on her team had gone out to celebrate bonuses. Rae had said she’d join after she finished building a model, but she’d gone straight over to the Lorimer Loft.
Dustin had apologized for skipping Ellen’s party, citing that Bellini quote—I like to be with people, just not up close.“Except for you,” he’d added.
Rae had forgiven him in one fell swoop. She knew he hadn’t meant what he’d said. The depression seized him in a full-body takeover sometimes, turning his words into daggers and his eyes into ice.
He’d let her hug him through the night, though Rae wasn’t sure if this was because things were better or because he just didn’t have the energy to shrug her off.
Wasn’t in the mood for a frat party,she messaged TB now.
TB:Fair enough. But you missed a good one. Kevin picked a fight with Sam over who’d brought in more revenue.
EE:Scintillating.
TB:And then GQ quit.
EE:WHAT?
TB:Yeah. Called all the VPs homophobic assholes and wrote his resignation on a bar napkin.
EE:C warning.
Swear words got flagged by the bank’s compliance surveillance.
TB:Don’t give a shit. I quit, too.
Rae whipped her head to look at TB, slumped in his chair but smiling in a way Rae hadn’t seen since their college internship.
“Why’re you looking so surprised?” he asked as they walked to the elevator that would take them down to the Starbucks next door. “We’ve talked about this a million times.”
It was true. She, TB, and GQ had repeatedly plotted how they’d quit in a dramatic rage the day they got their bonuses. Her vision included writingI QUITon a Post-it note that she stuck on her boss’s door before an eternal Irish exit.
“I guess I just thought … one more year, maybe,” Rae said.
