“Why did you do all this for me?” he asked, like he truly couldn’t fathom why she, why anyone, would make such an effort.
“I just wanted to see if I could bake a cake without burning it,” Rae said. “It did get a little crisp on top, but I flipped it upside down and piled on the whipped-cream frosting, so you can’t really tell. A nice metaphor, don’t you think?”
Dustin laughed, that soft sound that Manhattan would drown but was safe here in Brooklyn. “Glad to see you’re as full of poetic snot as ever.”
“And I did it because I love you, obviously. As a friend,” she added quickly, resenting the appendix as she said it.
She’d insisted to herself and to Ellen and to the universe that she’d moved on from Dustin, but now she was forced to see, in the reflection of his speckled irises, that she hadn’t moved on at all, she’d just moved her feelings for him to a different part of her being,stored them somewhere that wasn’t triggered by much … except seeing him in person, standing within arm’s reach. Everything she’d repressed came rushing back in a torrent of emotion, too raw to be wrong.
His hazel eyes searched her blue ones until they landed on an answer to the question she hadn’t known she’d posed. “It will always be you, Rae,” Dustin said, and “it” immediately became Rae’s favorite piece of abstract art. “I just hate myself for how much I’ve already hurt you.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Rae jumped in. “I overreacted. That’s just what I do.”
On some repressed level, she felt like she probably owed a similar apology to her dad, but she wasn’t inclined to give it anytime soon, at least not before he offered up an apology himself.
“You didn’t overreact,” Dustin said. “I treated you horribly. I treat everyone horribly. I don’t know if I’m capable of … more.”
Rae held Dustin with everything she had and everything she’d lost and everything she was finding again. “Of course you are,” she said, willing him to feel his worthiness.
Their noses were touching now, eyelashes brushing off symbolic tears and dust and dirt from each other’s cheeks.
Rae knew that kissing Dustin would mean bankrupting her relationship with Stu and the future she might have with him. She knew she’d be setting her heart up for another crisis. But without any kind of return-on-investment calculation, she also knew this was a risk worth taking.
So in the kaleidoscope glow of out-of-season Christmas bulbs, their lips met again to restart the emotional cycle.
“I’ve never had a birthday wish come true so fast,” Dustin muttered between breaths.
“Well then,” Rae said, gesturing to the lights on the railing and the lights on the Williamsburg Bridge and the hundreds of thousands of other anonymous but not nameless lights dotting theirup-and-down-and-up-again skyline “Let’s make some new ones, shall we?”
You know what I feel most guilty about?Rae texted Ellen from the bathroom the next day, between meetings.That I don’t even feel guilty. Cheating felt way more right than wrong. I’m a terrible human.
Not you’re not,Ellen replied.Love just makes people irrational.
I bet my dad justified it the same way.
This is so much different. You’re not married. It’s the time of life to figure out what you want.
Still … unnerving to know I’ve inherited that character trait on some level.
Be kind to yourself. The universe has other plans. What did Stu say?
Earlier this morning, Rae had called Stu to tell him that long-distance was just too much for her right now. He hadn’t seemed all that surprised or sad, but he had seemed confident that the stars would align down the road. “Call me when you move back to Indy,” he’d said. “I’ve got a feeling the timing will be right by then.”
He still thinks we’ll end up together eventually.
Personally I hope he’s right,Ellen weighed in.But you can’t force it.
Rae tried to summon some regrets, but she just flipped back to her conversation with Dustin and reread his text saying that yesterday was the best birthday of his life.
You really think my cheating was just an isolated blip?Rae asked Ellen.Not part of a broader daddy issues trend?
Stop overthinking. You’ve been in love w/ D for ages. It really can’t be helped so at least be honest about it now.
Rae didn’t particularly like this answer, but she couldn’t deny it either.You’ll like him more this time around, I know it.
Double date soon? Also I’m bringing Phyllis home from work tonight. Time for you to take care of her again …
Rae swelled at the image of the heart-leafed plant back in the window of the Lorimer Loft.
