A single tear leaked down her cheek. She had no desire to wipe it away. He was asking her to stay. He wanted her in his life, and as a friend. That was even better than a girlfriend, really. You couldn’t break up with your friend.
She nodded slowly until her hood shrugged off.
“Good,” Dustin said. “Friends.” The word turned over on his tongue like he was trying it on for fit or maybe flavor.
He seemed disappointed in himself that he hadn’t arced the conversation toward a tidy ending. But they both saw now, in the fading daylight, that there was never going to be anything tidy about the two of them. The question was whether there had to be an ending.
“But you have to promise me something,” he said.
“What?” Rae sniffled.
“Don’t steal from your own sunshine to keep my soul out of the shade.”
A half beat passed, then a whole. Rae had a gnawing yet calming sense that she’d look back at this moment as one of the pivotal emotional inflection points of her life.
“I won’t,” she said, a hiccup punctuating the poetic promise.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
BFF BOND RISKS
“It’s a recipe for heartbreak,” Ellen told Rae the next night as Rae walked into Ellen’s bedroom after a full yet empty day in the office.
Ellen was packing for her workweek away, and Rae set a pile of chocolate peanut butter cups and Ben & Jerry’s pints on top of her garment bag along with anI’m sorrysticky note.
One of the perks of working on Sunday—the only perk, really—was getting a thirty-dollar food stipend. Today Rae had used it to buy Ellen’s favorite snacks, even though she’d likely get flagged for violating the corporate expense policy, which mandated that all food be consumed “on premise, while working.” Cameras were everywhere, and a database tracked when she swiped her employee ID in and out of the building.
Rae was willing to take the risk to get back on Ellen’s good side after bailing on last night’s double date.
Ellen had been none too pleased when Rae called to say she wasn’t going to make it. “It was a coffeeclosurecatch-up,” Ellen had hissed. “What part ofclosuredidn’t you get?”
Rae had explained the situation this morning, assuming that once Ellen heard about everything Dustin was dealing with, she’d understand. She’d reacted quite oppositely, accusing Rae of prioritizing “some guy” over their friendship.
The conversation had been cut short by Rae’s phone buzzing with a text from a wannabe boss asking why she wasn’t in the office yet.
Rae had hoped that by the time she returned this evening, Ellen would have decided to let the matter rest. This did not seem to be the case.
“You can’t gloss this over with chocolate,” Ellen said, though she unwrapped a peanut butter cup and pocketed the sticky note. “You’re not listening to me.”
Rae sat on Ellen’s bed, which was always more neatly made than her own. She was tired of sitting but also too tired to stand. “What am I not listening to?”
“How Dustin’s going to break your heart.”
“We’re friends,” Rae said, refusing to split up the words with a demeaningjust.
Ellen tossed an eye roll and four pairs of black tights into her carry-on suitcase. “You met on a dating app. You can’t be just friends.”
“Yes we can.”
Ellen read the resolve on Rae’s face. “Fine,” she said. “Go ahead. But I think he’s manipulating you.”
Rae’s stiff body stiffened more. “You think he’s lying about his depression?”
“No, I just think he wants to keep you a little too close and take advantage of your kindness.”
“I’mthe one who convinced him to let me be his friend,” Rae said. “Hewanted to keep his distance.” She felt a jab of fear that she’d guilted him into the agreement. It was less clear from the edge of Ellen’s bed than it had been from the park bench.
“Well, he’s right,” Ellen said, pressing down on her suitcase until it zipped. “Romantic or platonic, feelings are feelings. I knowit sounds callous, but he has other people who can support him through this.”
