What waswrongwith her? Who hated soccer?
Suddenly she was crying, for all sorts of reasons. She was crying for Peter, whose loss she had never felt entitled enough to truly cry about, and for Madison Miller, who left her house one day and never came back, and for her mother, who might have a new boyfriend, who was moving on, leaving Alexa behind. She was crying about Morgan, who needed her big sister but didn’t know where to find her.
The tears kept on coming, streaming down her face, blocking her vision. It didn’t seem safe to drive when she was crying so hard, so she hooked a left on Curzon Mill and pulled into the giant parking lot that belonged to Maudslay State Park and she found a spot in the very back, near the smelly bathrooms, where she cried and she cried and she cried. The parking lot was full of summer hikers and people getting ready to exercise their dogs and people examining their post-walk legs for ticks. There was a moment when one of the park rangers in his khaki outfit walked over to her, probably to see if she had an annual parking pass or if she cared to pay the daily fee instead, but when he saw her crying he backed away.She appreciated the ranger’s understanding. It felt like the kindest thing anyone had done for her in a long time.
When she was all done crying, she looked in the rearview mirror and was met by the terrifying sight of her red, swollen eyes. Clearly she wouldn’t be able to re-do the video about accrual bonds until at least tomorrow. No amount of concealer was going to fix this.
44.
Rebecca
“It’s so big,” said Rebecca. “Way bigger than I ever imagined.”
“Why, thank you,” said Daniel.
She hit him on the arm and said, “Get your mind out of the gutter.” They had gotten gelato and were sitting on a bench among the hordes of people, looking at the replica of theNao Santa Maria,one of the tall ships that was visiting Newburyport Harbor and had docked at the waterfront.
Rebecca studied the steep, narrow gangway, the multiple decks, the tall wooden masts. “To think,” she said. “The ship this one is based on was responsible for thediscovery of America. I can’t help but be cowed by it.”
“Well, yes,” said Daniel. “Although of course the country had already been discovered by the Native Americans.”
“Yes of course,” said Rebecca, abashed. “But it’s still a beautiful ship.”
“It’s still a beautiful ship,” agreed Daniel.
Once they finished their gelato, Daniel stacked their cups neatly and walked to a nearby garbage can. When he regained his seat beside her, he put his hand on the back of her neck and turned her face gently toward his. They kissed. She was going to pull away—what if somebodysaw them?—but just for a second, hidden by the crowds, she didn’t care about keeping Daniel a secret.
When they pulled away—it was a brief kiss, but enough to get Rebecca’s heart racing—Daniel had a faraway look in his eyes.
“What?” Rebecca said. “You look like you just found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.”
“I was thinking about the houseboat,” he said, pointing. Sure enough, there was a little floating house out there that Rebecca had never noticed. On the upper deck she could see two people sitting in Adirondack chairs.
“It’s adorable,” she said. “Is that someone’s actual house?”
He had his phone out. “It could be ours,” he said. “I mean, for a night.” He tapped on the screen. “It’s a rental. Newburyport Houseboats. A buddy of mine manages them. Look, they have availability for the day after tomorrow. Should I book it? Here, look at this.” He held the phone out to her. “See how great it is? There’s a little kitchen with a two-burner stove, and a bathroom. There’s a hair dryer! And a bed, of course.” He winked. “There’s a really nice bed. Let’s book it!”
“Daniel!” She tried to keep the note of exasperation out of her voice. “I can’t do that. I can’t just—stay on a houseboat with you. I have children. And they don’t know about you. What would I tell the girls?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “That you’re seeing somebody? That you’re a tiny bit happy?”
“No,” she said. “Nope. I can’t do it. They’re not ready. I’m not ready.”
He put the phone in his pocket and sighed. She fixed her gaze on a family looking up at the tall ship. Their heads were all pointed at the exact same angle. She didn’t want to fight with Daniel. She really, really didn’t want to, but she could sense the fight coming the way an animal could sense a thunderstorm from a change in the air. “Rebecca, we’ve been together for almost six months now. You know I’m going to be as respectful of your grief as anyoneelse, but I don’t think I can live in the shadows forever. You don’t even have me as a contact on your phone!”
“I know your number by heart.”
“That’s not the point.”
“You don’t know what it’s like for me, Daniel. You don’t have kids. That part of it is really complicated.”
Daniel’s face had taken on an expression Rebecca had never seen on him before: a cross between a teacher who’d stayed up too late grading exams and a Boston-bound commuter who’d just encountered construction on the Tobin Bridge. When he spoke, it was with someone else’s voice, a sharper, harsher voice. “With all due respect, Rebecca, you don’t know what it’s like for me. I feel I’m grievingyourloss andmyloss, while you’re only grieving yours. I’ve got to be honest with you. It feels unbalanced.”
The family moved on. A curly-haired dog put its front paws on the adjoining bench, looking at its owner’s ice cream cone.
“I can’t do something before I’m ready, Daniel. I know that might not make sense to you, but it makes sense to me. This is the only way for me to handle things right now, by keeping parts of my life in different boxes.” Daniel in one box, Morgan and Alexa in another box, Gina in a third (smaller) box.
“If it is,” he said sadly, “I don’t think I can be a part of it right now. I’m sorry, Rebecca. I think I’m falling in love with you. I really do. But I don’t want to be in a box. I don’t think I can keep being your secret.”
