“Really?”
“Sure,” said Alexa. “Why not?” Katie was very pretty when she smiled; she had potential, Alexa decided. Obviously she wasn’t going to inherit any fashion sense from her mother. But if Alexa took her under her wing, maybe then there would be some hope. Plus it would make her mother happy to see her doing something with Morgan. In fact, it would make Alexa happy too. She’d been a crappy big sister lately.
She waited until Katie had turned back to her book and made her way craftily up the stairs. She was so quiet that she figured if the Silk Stockings money dried up she could probably get work as a ninja. Silk Stalkings.
She found the notebook in the same place she’d found it before,under the pillow. Katie would probablynotmake a good ninja, judging from her uninspired hiding choice. Alexa sat on the edge of the bed, careful not to mess up the comforter.
And then she started to read.
I’m not supposed to write down any of this. I’m not even supposed to think about it, because it is all a secret.
I am supposed to be Katie Griffin and not that other Katie I used to be.
I have a new friend named Morgan who is just as nice as my friends were at home, and in some ways she is much nicer. I had to say good-bye to all of those friends anyway. Except I didn’t say good-bye because I wasn’t allowed to do that. I wasn’t allowed to say good-bye to anyone. We left in the middle of the night, when everyone I knew was sleeping. So I said good-bye in my head.
We live in a nice place now, in a pretty town by the ocean, where there are beaches and ice cream shops and restaurants that sell fried fish and lobster rolls. We have eaten the lobster rolls but we haven’t tried a whole lobster. I don’t know if we will because they are a little bit weird and you have to crack the shells on your own and dig inside to get the meat out. Morgan likes them and she promises that I will too.
(Morgan liked lobster? This was news to Alexa.)
Morgan is friends with a big group of girls and I have met most of them. I am trying to remember all of their names but it’s hard. I went over to swim in Taylor’s pool. It was a nice pool and really fun and we had a contest to see who could hold their breath the longest underwater. I won. I always win contests like that because I don’t ever give up. And I never, ever tell secrets, even the big secret that I have.
In the fall I will go to the Nock Middle School which is a brick building that is not that pretty from the outside but I went inside when Mom registered me and it is much nicer on the inside. The library has couches in it and lots of books and there is a small courtyard that Morgan says sometimes has ducks in it that you can watch from the windows. I like the idea of being able to watch the ducks during school.
(Alexa remembered the ducks from when she was in middle school. Most likely they were different ducks now.)
In school I will be on either the Crimson or the Gold team but I hope I am on the same team as Morgan. She said that we can eat lunch together even if we are on different teams. I will get a binder from PB Teen with my name stenciled on it, which is what Morgan said all the girls get for middle school. I have already picked mine out online. It is ombré and starts off dark purple but becomes teal by the end. My first name will go sideways on the Velcro pocket. Or my initials. But I think I will use my first name because that is the part that has always belonged to me. Actually, my initials are the same even if my last name is different now.
Inside the binder are places to put all of your pens and pencils and erasers and a ruler punched with three holes, which Morgan says is definitely going to be on the school supply list. She said that when we get the list we can go shopping together. I asked Mom when we can order the binder and she said, Soon, which I hope she means because Morgan says the binders sell out very quickly, and sometimes Mom says, Soon, about something and then it never happens. She is distracted a lot since we moved here.
I’ve never had a diary before. I always thought they were kind of dumb. Morgan gave me this notebook when I went over to her house. She has a lot of notebooks. She also has a bed with a canopyand a trampoline in her backyard and a big beautiful kitchen that reminds me of the kitchen we used to have before we moved. Morgan’s house makes me miss our old house, which I am not supposed to think about anymore.
She also has an older sister who is really beautiful and fancy.
(Alexa smiled at this.)
And also a little bit scary.
(Alexa frowned.)
When I brought the notebook home I thought I would draw in it. The lady with the brown eyes told me it would be good for me to draw whenever I was feeling sad or confused.
(The lady with the brown eyes was probably some sort of child psychologist Katie saw because of the divorce.)
So, hello, diary. It’s nice to meet you. Thank you for keeping all of my secrets.
Here is secret #1:
Even though I don’t miss Daddy that much I miss him sometimes. Also sometimes I have bad dreams. I don’t like to talk about what the dreams are about, even to Mom. When I scream in the night Miss Josephine bangs on the wall and then I try to quiet down.
Here is secret #2:
I was allowed to keep my hair because I’m a kid. I just wear it in a braid all the time now instead of down and curly the way I liked it. Mom had to change hers. She used to have beautiful blond hair and now she has boring ugly brown hair. She changed it for the firsttime in the motel room and when she came out of the bathroom I cried and cried because I wanted my old mother back, the glamorous one who used to wear dresses and super-high heels and always had nail polish on her fingers and her toes and wore a goldbikini on vacation. But I can’t have her back because of the crime.
Here is secret #3:
My job now is very simple. My job is to fit in. My job is to not think about Daddy in jail. I am to be Katie Griffin. Katie Griffin is nice and friendly and popular and doesn’t feel scared if she wakes up in the middle of the night. Everybody likes Katie Griffin and wants to get to know her. It’s okay that she doesn’t know how to surf because she moved from Ohio, which is in the middle of the country and has no ocean around it. It’s okay that she asks if there are sharks in the water. It’s okay that she doesn’t have a dad because Morgan doesn’t have a dad either. This is all normal.
I asked Mom if she can call me by my other name, the name from New Jersey, sometimes, just when we’re alone. She got a scary look in her eyes and she said, no, never, don’t you ever ask that again, Katie. Don’t you ever even say that name out loud again. You have to promise me. Right now, Katie, you have to promise me.
