“I’m so sorry, Renee. I’m sorry I panicked.”
That’s as far as I get before my tongue turns to sandpaper. I swallow hard and start again.
“I care about you. A lot. And I’ve been so afraid of saying the wrong thing and fucking this up. Because that’s what I do, you know? Or…it’s what I’ve done. So I’m trying to just say whatever I’m feeling right now, and I’m sorry if it’s messy. You’re my best friend, Renee. Maybe that sounds stupid because we’ve only—”
“It’s not stupid,” she interrupts.
“But I’m not like you,” I cut back in. “I’m not everybody’s bridesmaid, and the last time I got romantically involved with a friend, that was Gin. And we all know how that went. I’m only now getting my friends back, and I can’t do that again.” Tearsneedle behind my eyes, but I bite them back. “I didn’t shut you out on purpose. I just thought I might’ve fucked things up again.”
“You didn’t.” Renee’s broken whisper coils through me like smoke. “That morning…I didn’t get it. I was angry. I know it’s been a really horrible few years for you, but I wasn’t thinking about that. I just woke up and saw this person I…” Her eyes glisten as she swallows a word and starts again. “I care about you, Alice. But you shut me out in this really vulnerable moment. I was hurt.”
“Of course you were.” I squeeze her hand a little tighter. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I just didn’t know how to talk about this, and I didn’t want to lose you.” I hear my voice begin to crumble. “No matter what, Renee, I just don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t want to lose you, either, Alice,” she says. “I want this. I want us.”
She sounds so certain, and for one shimmering moment, it’s perfect.
And then Renee sighs and says, “But.”
That one little word, and my hope disintegrates. I feel like I’m shrinking, shriveling inside myself.I should have known. I should have known. I should have known.I loosen my grip on her hand to pull away, but she holds tight. Doesn’t let go.
“I have to be honest with you,” Renee says. “I don’t think it’s fair to have this conversation without telling you that I’m leaving Chicago.”
I feel my entire body go slack.
“It’s probably not a forever thing,” Renee cuts back in. “But since I haven’t found a job, I’m moving back in with my parents for a while. I’ll be in Iowa, about an hour from here, and I’ll save a little money, figure out what’s next, and…” Her gaze lifts tomine, and despite the sadness in her voice, her eyes sparkle when she says, “I’m going to focus on auditions for a while.”
“You’re…are you serious?”
She nods, and I shift beneath the blanket, one leg bent while the other hangs off the couch. Renee does the same, and we’re inches apart. A bright, burning feeling lights up inside me, an emotion too big to be contained. It’s like my heart can’t choose between leaping out of my mouth or slamming right through my chest, so it’s trying to do both. The slightest bit of sadness hangs on to Renee’s eyes, but there’s hope there, too, as she does what she does best. She begins to verbalize a plan.
“I know it’s not ideal, and I completely understand if you don’t want to do the distance thing and you just want to be friends. I can handle that, if that’s what you need. Or if you just want to take things as they come and see where we—”
I close the space between us, a thousand things I could say flashing through my mind, but none of them feel as right as when I kiss her. I’m still kissing her as she starts to rumble with laughter.
I only pull back to say “I’m so proud of you.”
Renee takes my cheeks in her hands and pulls me close again, her mouth opening to mine. She tastes like wintergreen, and when my tongue dips between her lips, the softest moan catches in her throat. It’s dizzying. My mind spins away to the life I’m already imagining with her. Just us. I picture her pink nosed on the ski hill in the winter, raking red-and-gold piles of leaves in the fall. When I look ahead, she’s there, in every version of my future.
And it destroys me to break our kiss again, but I have to tell her.
“Guess what?” I whisper. “I’m leaving Chicago, too.”
Renee’s hands drop from my face, but I catch them, twining her fingers with mine.
“It’s okay. It’s good. I’m moving here. This ismyhouse.” It feels as true and right as my own name. It’s the best I’ve felt all summer. All year.
I tell Renee everything, legal jargon and all. I tell her about my vision for this place, and her smile widens with every detail, most of all the part about how I’ll be just an hour away. That is, if she doesn’t want to move in here with me instead.
“I don’t mean to interfere with your plans to live with your parents, but—”
Her mouth drops onto mine mid-thought, and whatever I meant to say dissolves into sweet, staticky bliss. We kiss until our lips are tender and swollen, testing how much of each other we can taste and touch without making a sound. People are sleeping upstairs. There’s a wedding tomorrow. But the only thought rattling inside my head is her name, over and over, again and again.Renee Renee Renee.It’s all I want, maybe for the rest of my life.
Dad,
I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I think I met my wife.
Love,
