“Have a good summer, Dr. Hawthorne.”
I smiled and waved at the cluster of students who had been in my freshman stats class as they passed by my open office door.
It took guts to voluntarily take math classes at eight in the morning. Even when I was in college, I never took eight a.m. classes. I suffered through a single semester where I thought it would get me up and going for the day, only to realize it was self-inflicted misery. No matter how much I loved math, I did not love math at that egregious hour.
Now, I suffered through teaching it at eight a.m. once a week, fortified by copious amounts of caffeine and the blanket I kept in my office for my after-lecture desk nap.
The halls of Alcott University were already sparse, as most students had completed their final exams and classes the week prior. I was really just around because I had to be.
I glanced at the text I had sent the group, hoping that a few out of the five of them had responded, but I was left disappointed. As always, only Jake had replied.
Amelia
Where do you all want to go for lunch on Sunday? I’ll make the reservation.
Jake
I’m good with whatever.
Entirely unhelpful.Everyone always wanted to get together, but no one wanted to be the person to make the plans. Everyone always wanted a good table and would complain when we got stuck with a table sidled up to a booth, but no one wanted to be the one to call the restaurant ahead of time. Everyone wanted a friend group, but no one wanted to be a friend.
It wasn’t always like this . . .
I groaned as the intrusive thoughts danced through my mind—a cartoon devil with a pitchfork, raking up notions of “woe is me” and “I’m the only one who cares.”
I knew they cared. They were just . . . busy.
I mean, I was busy too. We all were . . . but I was the one who always put in effort so they could just show up and enjoy themselves. They acknowledged my wins sometimes. I celebrated theirs all the time.
I—Nope. Nope. Nope. We arenotgoing down that rabbit hole today. I’m fine. They’re fine. We’re all good friends. Everything is fine.
But was it?
If I disappeared today, would life just go on for them?
The self-pitying, pessimistic side of me believed it would. They’d be sad. They’d probably worry and text each other abouthow worried they were. But they weren’t the kind of friends who would drop everything and form a search party.
We had a great time when we were all together, but they were friends of convenience. There was nothing wrong with that, but the realization stung. At some point, we had gone from being ride-or-die friends to colleagues. What was next? Acquaintances?
My phone buzzed and I snatched it up, hoping someone else was chiming in with a restaurant recommendation or maybe an offer to take the lead when it came to organizing our end–of-semester outing.
Vaanya
I’m good with whatever too.
I squeezed my phone like I was trying to wring water out of a rock. Just once, I wanted someone to care enough to go out of their way, busyness be damned.
We were all fucking busy.
The rest of the day went by in a blur. Before I knew it, I was heading out of the building to the faculty lot.
I slipped into my car as I spotted Vaanya coming out of the building. I didn’t even know she was on campus today. I knew her class load by heart. She had finished her in-person classes on Monday and said she would be wrapping up her online courses from the comfort of her home office.
Maybe she had come in to close up her office, but why didn’t she swing by mine? She knew I had to be on campus today.
Did she know I had to be on campus today?
I knew everyone’s schedules. Did they know mine?
