“That stays between us,” I said. “He’s not dangerous. He’s just doing his job.”
“If he’s not a bad guy, then why did you come back to New Haven completely traumatized after the whole ordeal? You haven’t been eating. You cut your class schedule. You shut everyone out?—”
I reared back. “I didn’t shut everyone out. The phone works both ways. I’ve been waiting for Vaanya or Caitlin or Marcus or Courtney to call or email or drop by my office. You know what I’ve heard? Fucking crickets. I’ve always been the one to call first. To make the plans. To get everyone together. I’m tired of it. That’s not friendship. That’s me being an activity directorandI quit.”
“Amelia—”
“And you—” I laughed sarcastically. “You’re just waiting for me to be ‘over it’ so that you can ask me out again without feeling bad about it.”
“That’s . . .” Jake huffed and glared at the sky. “That’s not . . .”
He didn’t deny it.
“I hate seeing you like this.” Jake raked a hand through his hair. “You’re barely functioning as a person. I don’t care how ‘notdangerous’ you think he is.Hedidthisto you. I don’t know how you don’t see it.”
I knew his exasperation and frustration came from a mostly good place, buthedidn’t see it. I wasn’t traumatized by Jude. I was broken by the fact that he didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth. I was devastated by the broken promises. I was heartbroken at falling hard and fast and having to pick up the pieces myself when it all went to hell. I was exhausted and I was done with it.
If Jude had showed me one thing, it was what it felt like to be chosen.
I wasn’t going to settle for anything less ever again.
“Go home, Jake,” I seethed.
Jake scoffed. “I’m not leaving you alone.”
I lifted an eyebrow. “If you think I want you around while you’re using that tone with me, you’re sorely mistaken.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m trying to give you space to work through all the shit you need to work through. But it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to get over it when you’re defending him and keeping him around.”
“I’m not keeping him around!” I shouted louder than I intended to. “Just because I need to have a conversation with someone?—”
“Let me be there for you while you have that conversation,” he pleaded. “I just?—”
I put my hand up. “Jake, stop.”
He swallowed.
“I don’t want to lead you on. I loved our friendship,” I said. “But if you want to be in my life at all, that’s what it’s going to be. A friendship. Take it or leave it. I’m not begging for you to stay.”
His features tightened. “But—but once things blow over?—”
“Things won’t ‘blow over,’” I hissed as I realized it for the first time, no matter how often Dr. Chen had repeated the exact samesentiment. “I am not the same person I was four months ago. And it’s been hard to come to terms with that. I don’t want you waiting around for the old me to wake up one day like it never happened. You’re a good guy. I know you are.”
“Don’t give me that line,” he said as heartbreak began to set in. “Don’t give me platitudes about how I deserve so much better. I want you, Amelia. None of this changes that. I just need you to realize you deserve better than what that guy put you through.”
I didn’t bother explaining that Jude had sacrificed himself for me. Jake wouldn’t understand the nuances of what we had gone through. The risks. The reward. The bond.
I had tried to keep from hurting Jake for so long. I had a hunch that his feelings for me were simply heightened after the events of summer.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but so does fear.
“You’ve always been one of my closest friends, but I don’t want to pretend like my feelings for you go beyond platonic. You’ll find the person you’re supposed to be with. But that person isn’t me. It would be cruel for me to pretend otherwise. You deserve someone who’s crazy about you, just like I deserve people in my life who actually want to be there.”
Jake scrubbed his hand down his face as he paced. “What if he wasn’t in the picture?”
But Jude would always be in the picture. There was no changing what I felt for him, no matter how much I tried.
“Jake, I knew you were trying to ask me out when the six of us went out to lunch at the end of the semester. I’m not an idiot, I just didn’t want to hurt you. Idon’twant to hurt you.” I nudged him with my elbow. “We have a good thing. And if I leave Alcott, you’re going to be the first and only person I recommend to take my place.”
