He glanced around the mostly dark apartment.What was the point of turning on lights when I was just going to lie in bed all day?“If you need a change of scenery, you can always come up to Storrs and stay with me. I’ve got plenty of room and Wi-Fi.”
“Jake—”
“I’d say it’s because we’ve been friends for a long time, but I don’t want to lie to you. I was trying to get up the courage to ask you out—you know—before everything happened.” He sighed. “And when I saw the news and the video of you being taken . . . I regretted not telling you how I felt. Waiting for you to get back felt like an eternity. I promised myself that if I got to see you again, I’d tell you how I really felt the first chance I got.”
Was he really going for round two of asking me out?
Now?
My gut sank, but not because of the sickness I felt every time I thought about Jude. I didn’t want to hurt Jake. He was so kind. So sweet. We were friends and I didn’t want to lose that. But I couldn’t lie to him.
“I have a lot to work through,” I said softly.
Jake nodded. “Yeah. I get that. You should focus on that.” He laid his hand on my knee. “And if you need someone to lean on while you work through it, I’m here.”
I felt incrementally lighter when Jake said his goodbyes and left me alone with the smorgasbord of food. Maybe the lightness had to do with the clarity that my hellish summer had afforded me: I was the human glue stick who held everyone together, even when they didn’t do the same for me. And Jake? I wasn’t sure our friendship would last, even if I wanted it to. I had some verycomplicated feelings about Jude, but Jake was simple. I didn’t want him the way I’d wanted Jude, even though he’d be the safe choice.
I’d rather feel it all—the elation, the hurt, the flight and free fall, the bone-crushing crash—than feel nothing.
I grabbed a plate and filled it with a little bit of everything, then packed up the leftovers and stored them for when Joel got back. He’d scarf down the rest. When I settled back on the couch with my plate, my eyes landed on a shadow in the corner.
The backpack.
I hadn’t dared to open it since I retrieved it from the lost and found in Las Vegas. It was Pandora’s box. Whatever escaped couldn’t be put back in.
The apartment was silent, save for the steady tapping of the ceiling fan pull chains as they rattled against each other.
Maybe I should open the backpack.
Like . . . exposure therapy.
I could prove to myself that it was just a backpack full of junk. The money I had won for Joel’s freedom—the eighty thousand Cole kept safe for me and the money from Vegas—was now in a safety-deposit box.
I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t just put it in my savings account. It seemed too risky.
I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop; for Valentine to rear his ugly head and demand what he was owed. If it came down to it, I’d give him the money in a heartbeat.
“There’s nothing scary inside the backpack,” I whispered to myself.
It was just clothes and prepackaged snacks from the train that probably needed to be thrown away anyway.
I didn’t want ants to get in . . .
The urge to do something other than crawl back into bed was unfamiliar. Might as well make the most of it since I didn’t actually feel like eating.
I abandoned my plate, grabbed a trash bag from beneath the kitchen sink, and snapped it open as I walked right up to the backpack, then paused.
Fear crept up my neck like kudzu vines.
Pandora’s box.The insidious thought wrapped around my throat as my heart rate ramped up inside my chest. Once it was open, I couldn’t put it back.
That was stupid. It was just a backpack. I’d empty it out, save anything that belonged to me, then throw the damn thing away.
Frankly, I should have just left it in Vegas.
I opened the mouth of the trash bag and laid it open on the floor, then unzipped the bag. The puff of air that escaped the zipper smelled exactly like the cabin. Immediately, I was taken back to West Virginia. To mountain air. To endless conversations. To losing my virginity. To warm morning cuddles. To counting stars and tracing constellations. To him.
It’s just a backpack. I’m just emotionally raw after my session with Dr. Chen and Jake coming by. It’s just a backpack.
