“I had a good life, Mom! Knowing who my father was wouldn’t have changed that.”
“I know that now.” There was a break in the line, and it sounded like she was crying. “I was more embarrassed than I was brave. I messed up. I had an affair and it led to my divorce from Greg. You didn’t choose to be born into that mess. And rather than making the hard decisions and admitting my mistakes and infidelity to you, I was a victim of my pride. I’m sorry that I didn’t put you and your sister first. I have regretted that decision for many years. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t brave enough to come tell you the truth myself after Ryan confronted me.”
No amount of asking why would change what had happened. But there was one more question I needed the answer to. “Did you tell him not to tell me?”
And for some reason I prayed that she had.
“No,” she said as the crinkle of a tissue caused static to burst into my ear. “I was shocked when you invited us over to see you off. I thought for sure he had gone right back home to tell you.How was the drive? You said you’re staying with a friend. Did you two make it to New York?”
“I left him at the airport,” I cried as a fresh wave of heartbreak pummeled me.
“Oh, Autumn . . .”
I waved it off like it was fine, as if she was right there in front of me. But it wasn’t fine. It would never be fine.
“I’m so, so sorry,” she said. And I believed her. “You two broke up?”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
“Because he didn’t tell you?”
I used the hem of my shirt to wipe my tears. “I’ve had enough of people withholding information from me for one lifetime.”
“Autumn.” She hesitated, thinking over what she would say. “I’m the last person who should be giving you advice. Trust me, I’m aware of that. But if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that pride is a rather flimsy shield. It won’t protect you, honey.”
“He hurt me.”
“I hurt you too, and you’re talking to me. Amber texted me and said you called her.” She took a deep breath. “You’re forgetting I was there that day. Ryan was ready to burn down my salon to make a point. I don’t know what stopped him from telling you what he found out. If I did, I would tell you. Just . . . have the conversation. Do it for yourself; for all the times people made that decision for you.”
Wander’s hand gently smoothed up and down my back as I said my goodbyes. Mom asked if I would call her later, but I wasn’t there yet and told her as much.
When the call ended, there was still a weight on my chest, but it felt like I could breathe a little more.
“Who’s next?” Whitney asked as she rested her head on my shoulder.
I tapped Lisa’s number and waited. She picked up on the second ring.
Her voice was groggy when she answered. “Hello?”
Shit. I didn’t think about the fact that she worked nights and had probably just gone to bed.“Did I wake you up?”
“Yes and thank fuck you did!” she shouted. “What the hell is wrong with you? Giving us a scare like that. Next time you go off the grid, how about a proof of life text? Or a flipping carrier pigeon? Where the hell are you?”
For some reason, getting lovingly yelled at made a little of the anger go away. “Have you talked to Ryan?” I hedged.
“Not today.”
“I’m in North Carolina. I’m staying at Wander’s. Whitney is here too.”
“So if Ryan asks if I’ve heard from you, the answer is that you’re in Canada?”
“I hear Saskatchewan is nice this time of year.”
“I’ll Photoshop a picture of you riding a moose. He’ll definitely buy it.”
I let out a sharp breath as my blood pressure lowered. “We can talk later. I didn’t think about the fact that you’d be asleep.”
“No. We’re going to talk now,” Lisa clipped. “I’ve waited over ten years to have this conversation, so get comfortable.”
