I didn’t know how to put any of it into words.
Instead of saying anything, he sat down behind me and wrapped his thick, tattooed arms around me. I felt the nudge of his glasses as he kissed my temple.
The sun melted from the heavens, dripping in blazing oranges and vivid pinks.
I cried the entire drive back, draining my tears well before I got back to him. It was a good thing. I was tired of crying. I was tired of feeling miserable. Ryan was the only person who had kept me going over the last few months. He shouldn’t have to wade through more tears.
“Amber set me up,” I rasped.
Ryan tipped his head back and swore at the heavens.
“God, that was so humiliating,” I croaked. “I waited in front of his office for two hours, only for him to have no clue I was coming. He wouldn’t even tell me why he never talks to me anymore. He talks to Amber. They see each other all the time.” It felt like my throat was being sandblasted as I tried to get the words out.
Ryan held me tighter, tucking my head beneath his chin as if he could shield me from all the hurt. I appreciated that he didn’t try to make excuses or tell me it would be okay.
Because it wasn’t okay. It wouldn’t be okay.
“I just wanted to tell my dad about you,” I whispered.
There was a long silence before Ryan spoke up. “You told Shep.”
“I just want a sister who doesn’t make it her life’s mission to make me miserable,” I said, my words landing somewhere between hurt, frustration, and fury.
“You have Whitney and Wander.”
“I just want a mom who doesn’t treat me like an inconvenience.”
“You have Lisa.”
I looked at the sky as hot tears blistered my cheeks. “I just want to be important enough for someone to want me.”
He lowered his head, scraping his stubbled jaw along my cheek. “You’re the most important thing in the world to me.”
“I’m so tired of trying to make them love me,” I choked out as I turned and crumbled in his chest.
Ryan’s arms were the safest place in the world. At some point, they had become my haven. The place I ran to without a second thought.
“I wish they could see what I see when I look at you,” he said gently as he cradled my head and combed his fingers through my hair. “You’re everything to me. You’ve created a life for yourself that’s unapologetically full of adventure. You’re one of the hardest workers I’ve ever met. You see the good in everything. You believe the best in everyone. You make magic in the mundane—in road trip coffee and bumper-to-bumper traffic. And if they stopped to see even a little bit of that, they’d know it too. It’s a fucking shame that they refuse to.”
I didn’t say anything else.
Eventually, the sun dipped below the horizon and the stars came out to put on a show. Evening wind whistled through the languid limbs of the willow tree. Even though we both had work to do—because jobs stopped for no one—Ryan sat with me, not making a peep about getting up and going inside.
“Why do they hate me?” I asked the universe.
Ryan answered in her place. “It’s easy to hate people who feel no guilt for being exactly who they are and pushing for everything they want in life. Entitlement makes belligerently wicked, malevolent people.”
“It’s not fair.”
“I know,” he said as he kissed me. “It’s not fair and—God—I wish I could fix it for you.”
I tightened my hold on him, terrified that, if I let go, he would discard me too. I needed his kiss like I needed air. I drank him in hungrily, desperate to feel something other than absolute misery.
But Ryan broke the kiss with a worried look in his eyes. “Wills?—”
“Please don’t push me away,” I begged in a feverish hurry. I was pleading and making a damn fool of myself, but I couldn’t bear to be discarded by anyone else.
His eyes widened in shock, then concern. Thick brows furrowed over the strong line of his nose. “I would never,” he said gently, letting the breeze whisk away the promise.
