My insides clenched. “Just thinking about my mother. If people from Ebora are at the wedding, they might know her.”
He nodded. “We’ll find out. I have a few friends who are supposed to be there that I could ask. Is that all that’s troubling you?”
I fidgeted. “I’m not used to being like…this.” I gestured at the dress.
“I think you can handle being a girl. For what it’s worth, I think you make an excellent girl, whether or not you wear dresses.”
“Thank you,” I muttered. “It’s easier to be Gil than it is to be Jillian. No one pays attention to boys like they do to girls.”
Lochlan’s gaze softened slightly. “You’re right. I pay attention to you differently now.”
My steps faltered before I forced them steady again, staring straight ahead. It was rare that I couldn’t find something to say. As Gil, I’d always managed to joke and act casual. Being Jillian felt like too much pressure. I glanced Lochlan’s way and he smiled easily. How could he be so comfortable? I felt like I was going to fly into a thousand pieces.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” he asked. “You seem a little flustered. You really didn’t have to dress up, you know. Would you rather go back to change?”
“No, it’s just…it’s just…” As hard as being Jillian was, I was afraid that if I was only Gil, Lochlan would only ever see me as a friend. I swallowed. He wouldn’t laugh if I told him, would he?
“I just wanted you to notice me,” I confessed, head down. “I want you to think of me as a girl, but I’m not very good at being a girl.”
“Trust me, I’ve been noticing you for weeks. And to be honest, I was rather hoping you’d notice I’m still a man and not just a girly co-conspirator who knits.”
“I noticed plenty,” I said rather shyly.
Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
CHAPTER 23
Hundreds of commoners were streaming into the courtyard, all dressed up and chattering excitedly with each other as they were ushered into their seats. I couldn’t help comparing myself to the other women filing in. They all looked beautiful and carried themselves so differently than I did. Most women had their hand on a man’s elbow as Lochlan had tried to get me to do, but I simply couldn’t bring myself to imitate them. Lochlan and I were walking close enough that it should be obvious we were together. In a flash, I wondered what I would do if another woman flirted with Lochlan. Then I had the terrifying thought of what Lochlan would do if another woman flirted with him.
But I needn’t have worried.
Even though other women had more makeup, fancier hair, and more revealing dresses, Lochlan didn’t look their way even once. He kept smiling at me and walked ahead of me through the crowd until we found some seats. I couldn’t help but be relieved that Lochlan wasn’t insisting on escorting me or demanding to hold my hand. I was already uncomfortable enough without having to monitor how sweaty my palms were.
Several rows up from us, I spotted Elvin among the crowd, cleverly positioned close to a man on one of the bounty posters back on the wall at the Syndicate safehouse. Elvin didn’t give me a second glance; he was too focused on his target. A whole side of the courtyard was lined with uniformed Nightsworn, watching for people to do exactly what Elvin was likely planning. I scanned their faces and was surprised to see a woman among the sea of men. I’d assumed that all of the Nightsworn were male, but the woman looked to be perhaps fifty years old, with gray streaked liberally through her dark hair, all pulled into a severe bun at the top of her head.
“We don’t need to worry about them,” Lochlan breathed in my ear. “I’m sure no one will recognize us here. They’re just looking for troublemakers.”
I wasn’t sure I believed that. The woman’s eyes were sweeping the gathered crowd, and when she spotted Elvin, she was upon him within seconds.
I smothered a smile as she grabbed his upper arm in a vice-like grip and hauled him out of his seat and away from the crowd. It was no wonder Ambrose always had to give Elvin the simplest bounties. He was too obvious. I kept my head bowed so he wouldn’t notice me as he was dragged past and found that Lochlan was doing the same. We caught each other’s eye and muffled our quiet laughter.
“I don’t see anyone from Ebora yet,” I said, looking through the crowd. “I used to know several people there before I came here to Berkway.”
“It looks like there are a few representatives over that way,” Lochlan said, nodding toward a group of middle-aged men talking and laughing together on the other side of the courtyard.
One of the men broke away to greet a beautiful blonde woman who I instantly recognized. I quietly inhaled.
“What?” Lochlan asked, following my gaze.
“That’s Dahlia,” I breathed to Lochlan. “She was a key member of the rebellion to overthrow King Raquel, and she’s engaged to Prince Korth of Haven Harbor. I’ve spoken to her before.” I neglected to add that she had hired bounty hunters in the past and forced Korth to pay hefty bounties directly to me so Ambrose didn’t take his usual cut.
Hope swelled in my chest. Dahlia had practically been raised in Ebora’s castle under King Raquel’s rule. She would’ve known the other servants and was sure to have known my mother if my mother had been sold to King Raquel. I stood, fully intending to march over and ask, but trumpets blared. The ceremony was about to begin. Dahlia was seated near the front, along with Prince Korth and his sister Princess Tess.
I didn’t take my eyes off Dahlia for the entire duration of the ceremony. I barely heard anything that the wedding officiant said and completely ignored the vows Prince Jameson and Elena exchanged. They would inevitably be some sort of sappily sweet promises to always love each other or whatnot. I could have burned a hole in the side of Dahlia’s head from how intensely I stared. The opportunity to find out what had happened to my mother was here, and I would not pass it up. If only I had been able to ask before. I’d just never known that she might have that information. And now, she was only half a courtyard away. There was no way I would let her slip away unnoticed after the ceremony without talking to her first. I’d tackle her if I needed to.
Lochlan seemed to actually be paying attention to the wedding ceremony and applauded when the bride and groom kissed after the officiant pronounced them husband and wife. I clapped automatically and finally looked up at the couple when everyone stood. Elena was radiantly beautiful. I barely even recognized her; she looked so vastly different from the dirty, famished girl I’d known aboard Tyrone’s ship.
She and her husband glowed with happiness as they looked at each other, that same adoration shining out of their eyes that I’d seen on couples before, and I felt another twinge of jealousy again. What would it be like to be completely and utterly adored like that? I could only imagine how much they must love each other. Would anyone ever love me like that?
