“You have me,” he argued. “I’ll be here for you, Grace, and Alma will get used to it.”
She stared at him. She didn’t know what else to say. He seemed to be seeing all of this through rose-colored glasses, as if everything would be so easy between them, as if she only had to say yes and the rest would fall into place. But he didn’t know what he was talking about; he didn’t know how it felt to have nothing. She could still remember Alma’s voice on the phone, every syllable filled with concern, after Derek broke things off. She could still remember crying to her best friend, the aching absence that had only gotten worse when she lost Gram. Grace didn’t want to go through it all again, and she didn’t want to have to pretend everything was okay just to spare Alma from the consequences she should have seen coming.
“Grace,” Raf said, his voice colder than before. “You can’t tell me you don’t want to be with me. You can’t take it all away the one time I’ve ever…”
She shook her head, wishing he wouldn’t say anymore. She pressed her lips together for a moment before she was able to speak again. “Maybe I should get out of here for a while? I don’t know what to do. I wish I could make everything go back to normal.”
He threw a hand in the air. “What’s normal in this situation? I secretly want you without telling you? Because that’s what my normal was before.”
God, his eyes were so beautiful even when they looked all sad; they made her feel like her throat was closing up. She didn’t want to hurt him. She didn’t want to hurt herself. But how could this possibly go? They could sleep together for a while and delay the inevitable, only to destroy each other later? It was the only thing Grace could foresee, the only prophecy that seemed possible.
“I’m sorry,” she said, grasping for the last bits of strength she could find inside herself. “It’s just better if we put a stop to it now.”
His nostrils flared. “Better for who? Better for you? Better for Alma?”
“Raf—” She wanted to console him. She wanted to press her head against his chest and console herself, but it would only make things worse.
“No, it’s fine. Clearly, you know what you want, and it’s not me. I can’t argue with that.”
She did want him, and he knew it too. He had to know it in every desperate glance she’d given him the past week, in every reckless kiss they’d shared. He had to have felt the rush of her pulse under his fingers, and he must have realized how hard this was for her, to walk away from all of it. But it was too dangerous. It was too difficult. And it was way too much to lose.
“My apartment should be ready in a week. I can find somewhere else to stay until then.”
“No,” he said, his voice rough. “You said you wanted things back to normal, and that’s not normal. I would never kick you out.”
“You’re not kicking me out.”
“Well then you’re staying until your place is livable.”
Grace sucked in a breath. She didn’t know how she would manage it, being so close to him and not being able to do anything about it. But she’d survived while Alma was there. She’d just have to avoid him at all costs, just for a while. And then they would both get over it and move on with their lives. Time would sprawl out before them until enough of it had passed for the pain to subside. They’d go back to being acquaintances, occasionally falling into each other’s orbit because of Alma, letting everything settle back to how it had been. And then maybe after that, with enough distance, they could be friends again. She didn’t imagine it would take Raf too long to move on, even if he couldn’t believe it now. “I don’t have to stay,” she said.
“Don’t you want to show Alma how mature we are about this whole thing? How nothing has changed?”
Grace felt the tears welling her eyes, but she wouldn’t let them fall. She gave the tiniest nod. “Alma said there was someone else before.” She hesitated. Why was she even bringing this up? There was no point talking about it, but her mouth moved without permission. “Another one of her friends?”
Rafael’s face hardened in an instant. “That was completely different. She knew it was just for a night, and I wasn’t interested in anything more.”
“And it was never just supposed to be a one-night thing with me?”
He exhaled. “I didn’t know, Grace. I was confused and needed time to figure out this thing with us, and I’m telling you now, it’s different. If I had thought there was nothing more between us, I would have told you upfront. I’m not trying to string anyone along.”
Grace bit her lip and turned away. She realized she believed him, even if it didn’t matter either way. Just because he felt this way now didn’t mean it would last. Grace wanted some peace for a while, some stability. She didn’t want to live in fear of another disaster just around the corner.
“I see.” Rafael’s hands twitched at his sides, and he nodded with resignation. “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he said, walking toward the coat rack and grabbing a jacket.
The lump in her throat seemed to grow. “Where are you going?”
“What does it matter?”
He headed for the door, and she didn’t stop him, because she had no idea what she would do if he stayed. She’d lived through everything else the past year. She’d had the shittiest time of her life, and she’d survived, and Grace promised herself she would survive this, too, no matter how much pain crawled under her bones, making her ache everywhere.
She finally let herself cry when he was gone. She crawled into her bed in her tiny, perfect room, and she cried until her eyes were almost swollen shut. She was used to the tears, salty and familiar on her cheeks. She was used to grief. But the gaping hole in her heart was only calling for one thing in that particular moment. It was yearning for him.
“Well look who’s in her own bed,” Alma said the following morning.
Grace groaned and rolled toward the wall, shielding her eyes. “Everything okay?’ she mumbled.
“I’ll tell you all about it when you’re up,” Alma replied. “Where’s Raf?”
