She gave him a half-smile, but he could see something in her eyes that meant she wasn’t completely back in the room. They needed to talk, but now wasn’t the time.
‘Come on, let’s go and find Gudrun. She’s so funny, and you’ll feel like you know Anders and Becca inside out by the time you meet them.’
Mats stayed by Lotta’s side for the rest of the evening. When they’d arrived, he hadn’t wanted to overshadow her or make her feel that she had to look after him. He was used to makinghis own way around a party, but he didn’t think that was the same for her, and he sensed that something had shaken her confidence. Tonight was a celebration that Lotta should feel was hers, and nothing should undermine that.
By the time they said goodnight to the Snug team, after most of the other guests had left, Lotta looked exhausted but happy.
‘Lotta, will you join us for lunch tomorrow?’ Clemmie said.
‘We’re travelling to Bergen tomorrow,’ she said.
‘That’s okay, we can change the flight to a later one,’ said Mats. ‘You have time for lunch.’
‘You’re welcome too, Mats,’ Clemmie said.
He smiled, not wanting to commit until he’d spoken to Lotta. This was her thing and he didn’t want to tread on her toes.
‘You don’t have to change the flight,’ she said, when they got back to the apartment. ‘I don’t need to go to lunch.’
‘You don’t want to go?’ He pulled his tie loose and undid his top button while Lotta sat on the chair in the hallway and undid the straps on her heels.
‘No, we should stick to the plan.’
He sensed he needed to tread carefully. ‘I’m going to change the flights anyway. I have a few things to do tomorrow so it gives me some extra time.’
Lotta walked into the bedroom and began tugging at the zip on her dress.
‘Let me help you.’
He looked at her reflection in the mirror as he pulled the zip down. ‘You don’t look like you enjoyed yourself tonight.’
She slipped the dress off her shoulders and let it pool on the floor before she stepped out of it and lay down on the bed. ‘I did, but it feels too good to be true.’
‘What? Tonight?’
‘Life.’
He swallowed hard. ‘You don’t think you deserve this?’
‘I feel as if I have everything, as if my life is on the verge of being perfect, and I know it won’t last.’
‘Why won’t it?’ He spoke gently and lay on the bed next to her, still fully clothed.
‘Because it never has before. And I feel like I’m just waiting for the bomb to drop. Waiting for Snug to realise they don’t need me. It’s not rocket science what I’ve done, they can do it on their own.’ A tear ran over the bridge of her nose and fell onto the pillow. ‘Or you will realise you can find someone who will move to the island with you. Someone who isn’t putting their career first.’
‘I don’t want anyone else. And I don’t mind if you put your career first.’
‘I know that’s what you say, but you’re giving up everything you have here and following your dream, and my dream has only just started. I want more nights like tonight, and you don’t. The dream for me is everything you’re leaving behind.’
Now he understood. And this wasn’t something that could be fixed with a few words. Any assurances he made now weren’t capable of reaching deeply enough into the part of Lotta that was having these thoughts. These thoughts had come from something ingrained in her through years of knocks; professional and personal ones. But the personal ones were the ones that had done the damage for anyone who came along later.
‘It isn’t all or nothing. We can work towards having everything. No one needs to choose between anything, especially not now. Not tonight.’
He pulled her into his arms, grateful that she sank into him. As long as she still wanted him, that was all he cared about.
Once she’d fallen asleep, he carefully pulled his arm out from underneath her and went into the bathroom to undress. He braced his hands against the counter and looked at himself in the mirror. He was clean-shaven, and his hair was tidier thanit had been since the day he walked out of Halvorsen & Bryne. Tonight had been for Lotta. This version of himself was for her, and if he had to dust off this guy now and again for her, he’d do it. But it didn’t feel like him anymore, and after years of wishing it wasn’t, he could be happy about that. It was just sad that the woman he loved, who had said those three words to him tonight, seemed to be sliding from her happiest to something else, and it scared him.
The following morning, he left Lotta sleeping while he headed out to run some errands. He messaged her to let her know he wouldn’t come for lunch, but that he’d meet her back at the apartment in time to head to the airport. By the time he got back there, she had packed and was ready to go.
