My speeding heart was supposed to have calmed; my vocabulary was supposed to have returned, but—fuck, my heart was still a raging organ in my chest. Even as I pulled away from the kiss, sliding out of her and falling wordlessly to her side, I could still hear the pounding in my chest; my eyes latched onto the ceiling above the bed.
Zahra let out a contented breath. “Well, wow. It just gets better.”
I didn’t respond. My eyes were still on the ceiling, my chest rising and falling. My mind was numb, my body alive.
“You okay?” Her voice tried to invade my thoughts.
But something was happening to me; some part of my brain was foggy, some part of my chest had been left heavy, something changed and clicked into place, something gathered and stayed, and something grew. Something grew so fucking large, untamable.
Her weight shifted on the bed, and I felt her hand on my chest, her eyes on me. “Elio?”
I blinked, turning my head and swallowing when I caught her gaze.
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost. You just went pale,”she said with a cautious laugh. “Are you getting a fever?” She pressed her knuckles against my neck.
I shook my head.
“What happened? Did you remember something?”
I shook my head.
“What’s going on—”
“Do you have a chessboard?”
She frowned, my question seeming to have caught her off guard.
“Wh-what?”
“Do you have a chessboard? I have the sudden urge to play.”Make my brain work normally again.
“Oh, uh… you were thinking about chess when you were fucking me?”
“I wasn’t thinking when I was—” I stopped, refusing to use thef-word again. “With you, when I was with you—just now.”
Something like wariness flashed through her eyes. “You’re acting weird.”
I blinked. “I think we should wash up.” And then I was standing, leaving the bed, leaving her side, going into the en suite bathroom. I closed the door and let out a breath.
I locked my eyelids tightly together before pulling them back open, blocking my thoughts, blocking my mind, blocking whatever this was.
Dealing with it now was impossible, so I kept it, held it, and suppressed it for later.
I was back in my clothes, and Zahra was coming out of the bathroom when I moved to put my shoes on; she frowned at me. “You’re leaving?”
“Yes, I have—”
“You just got here… I mean, if you want to leave, I’m not stopping you, but did you just come here for sex?”
I looked up at her just in time to see her sitting on the edgeof the bed, wearing a faded green T-shirt and new blue jean shorts, watching me with a confused frown.
“I’ve been here for almost four hours now. I was with your friends before I came in here. My intentions weren’t to have sex with you. It just happened because… well… it was—”
“Do you want to stay?” she asked.
I paused. “Pardon?”
She cleared her throat. “You hung out with everyone for hours… what about me?”
