He paused, watching me with a battle in his eyes. “Are you?”
Silence stretched into minutes, and then I shrugged, leaning back. “Might not have started the fire, but it doesn’t mean I’m not to blame for it.”
“What does that mean?”
My eyes searched his. “When I let you go, Elia, I let everyone go. When I let you down, I also let everyone down. Mymother, Mariana, Lorenzo,” I said, looking away from him. “I let myself down. I lost my purpose; I lost a lot… but I had hope that I would come back and see them again. I would meet you again, apologize, and get on my knees if I had to. But then I got out, got back… and it was all ashes. Hours too late. Minutes too long, doing absolutely nothing while standing by my father’s side. If I had done things differently, if I had stood up to my father, put a bullet in his head, and told him I didn’t need to join the army to keep my mind in check, maybe things would have been different.
“Days after they died I… I replayed possible scenarios on how things could have gone differently, how I could have kept them alive.” I looked back at him. “Kept you here. I have regretted my actions every day until now. I deserve to pay for the pain that I caused you, my mother, Mari, and Enzo.
“It feels wrong to be respected, loved, and praised, since I did nothing worthy of respect, especially by you. So, you do not have to apologize for that. I deserve it and worse.”
“No, it’s—”
“Let me finish,” I told him. “I am happy that you decided to talk to me and give me a chance. But I also want to let you know that it is completely okay if you do not want to give me a chance; you don’t have to. If you are angry, be angry; if you feel like hitting me, do not hesitate. Feel what you want to feel. Do not spare my feelings.”
He shook his head. “That’s not what I’m trying to do,” he said. “I meant it when I said I didn’t want to fight anymore, Elio. I want—I know everything can’t automatically go back to how it used to be, but—we can try to fix what we can. You’re my only family, and regardless of the past, I still worry and care about you. Just the same way you do for me.”
“Hm.” I nodded. “And if I’m not mentally available at all times?”
“You don’t have to be. I’m a grown-up; I have my own shit to deal with now. I just want to clear the air.”
I nodded. “And Zahra? Am I to assume you have no concerns with our… recent relationship?”
His mouth opened and closed, and his hand moved to his neck as he spoke. “It is weird, I’m not gonna lie, but—I see it. You care about her, and she surprisingly cares about you. As long as you’re both in check with each other, then it’s none of my business.”
“Hm.” I nodded again. “You harbor no feelings for her? If you do, please tell me.”
“I love Zahra; she’s my best friend, always has been, but—things aren’t like that. I thought they were at some point until I realized that wasn’t the kind of love that you share with someone you want to be with.”
He was picking his words, but I didn’t have a right to call him out on it.
“This was good; I appreciate you making the effort, Elia.”
“Zahra says I need bragging rights. Had to snag it,” he said, looking around. “Do you just stay here? Only you? Doing nothing?”
“Yes.”
He looked at me. “Wanna come over to our suite? Upper and Dog are setting up a game in the lounge, and Milk ordered too much food.”
“And Zahra?”
“Uh… in her room? She went in after going to the casino and never came out; I don’t know about now… Why?”
“Nothing.”
Elia prepared to get up. “Would you like to join?” he asked, sounding hopeful. “Or if you have work and things to do, I understand—”
“I will join you.”
He couldn’t mask the surprise on his face. “All right,” he said.
“The cats.”
His gaze dropped to them. “We can take them if you want. Milk loves them, so she’ll be glad.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
Honestly, I agreed to this for three reasons. One was because Elia asked, and after our conversation, I needed to cement my decision with this; number two was because the idea of staying here alone wasn’t appealing, I knew I would start seeing and hearing things, thanks to paranoia; and number three—three was because of Zahra. Either I had offended her through my texts, or something else had happened.
