“I know exact—”
“No!” I glared at him with disbelief, my heart hammering. “No, I carry this fucking family on my back while you fuck and cheat your way through Italy. I am there for your wife and your children; I’m there for you! I’m there for fucking everyone but myself! Why thefuckwouldn’t I be depressed!”
He looked at me like I was a stranger. “This. This right here, this despicable behavior, is why you need to get your head rearranged.”
“I don’t need anything—”
“If I say you need something, then you fucking need it! Do not counter me.”
“You’re the one who’s crazy. If you send me away, who’s gonna look after them? Who’s gonna hold Mamá when she forgets who she is again or what year this is? You can’t do that to them, to me.”
“You are joining the army, and you are getting your head on straight.”
I shook my head, looking ahead, my breathing ragged as I said, “How can you not see that you’re ruining my life?”
“I am making you better.”
Looking back at him, I ignored the anger in his eyes andfocused on his ignorance and fear. “No, Papà, you’re making me worse.”
That seemed to shut him up. He cleared his throat. “I am your father. You are to listen to me and do what I say. I know what’s best for you. Leave the family to me; that is not your job. Getting better is your job. You will take my place someday, and I won’t have you ruin my name, Elio. You are a Marino. No Marino is a weak fuck. The private base will remind you of that. Am I clear?”
I rested my back on the leather seat, clenching my jaw hard.
“Am I fucking clear, boy.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good.” And then he started driving again. “You leave the day after tomorrow.”
I looked out the window, thinking of the promises I was about to break.
I did it all mechanically.
We reached home, and I was out of the car before he could call me back. I went straight to Mariana’s room, unlocking the door with the master key.
She and Enzo were on her bed, fast asleep. A book rested on her chest, almost slipping off.
I walked in, took the book from her body, dropped it beside her, and turned off the reading lamp.
I raised the duvet, covering them before leaning down to kiss both their foreheads. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
I left the room and didn’t sleep that night. When morning slowly crept in, I went to Elia. Told him I was sending him away. He broke my fucking heart, crying and begging me not to separate us.
I didn’t tell him the reason. It was better if he hated me. Knowing my father had other plans for me in that army, I wouldn’t be able to reach out.
I was going to be cut off. I was going to be tortured. This was his play.
Elia held me tight and made me promise I wouldn’t leave. I knew he wouldn’t drop it; I’d been prepared for that. That was why I suddenly remembered a drink I had gotten for him on my way here; it was why I walked to my car, brought out the chilled juice box, walked back into the safe house, and watched him drink while he told me what his homeschool teacher had said about whales.
It was why I watched him fall asleep suddenly, drove him to the airport, and handed him to the people who would take him to Los Angeles. It was why I stood there till the plane took off and disappeared from view.
I crouched down, covered my face with my palms, and let out a guttural yell that made my chest ache throughout my drive home.
I made sure I didn’t see Mariana, Lorenzo, or my mother that day.
The next day, I was on my way to the army.
The whole process was a blur.
