The woman in question walked in, and I closed the door behind us.
“Well—fuck, the platinum suite is fire,” Zahra said, and I watched her take in our surroundings with awe, the large crystal chandelier hanging above, the pool table by the side, the soft cream couches, the eighty-inch smart TV, a balcony overseeing the large ocean below. “Rich people do get away with everything—”
“I don’t have all night,” I said.
She turned around, startled at the sharpness in my voice as she sucked in a breath, and shifted on her feet, showing nervousness. “Wouldn’t you, um—want to sit down first?”
“No.”
“Awesome, we’redoing itstanding.” She grinned like she had just made a joke I was supposed to understand.
I stared blankly.
“Get it?” Her grin faltered. “Doing it… standing? Like doing…it.”
Blank stare.
“No?” Her smile died as she cleared her throat. “Okay.”
I waited for her to speak.
She sighed, fingers going through her hair. “Right, okay… um, first off. That guy from before was Vitale… Conti. We sort of grew up together back in Sicily. Not like grew up,grew up—he was the only person close to my age who didn’t treat me differently after Manuel rescued me. He was the only one I could relate to. I haven’t seen him in a long time.”
“I did not ask about him.”
“No, I—I know you didn’t. I was just… telling you.”
When I didn’t respond, she swallowed, shifting on her feet again.
“You got it all wrong the other day. I wasn’t playing with you, messing with you, or trying to ruin your relationship with Devil. I was even supposed to talk to him before this, but you were here so…” Her teeth clamped down on her bottomlip as she stumbled over her words. “Devil and I kissed, yes, but it didn’t mean anything romantic at all. I had a—I had a panic attack, and he did it so I would calm down. If he hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here today.”
Well… that wasn’t a lie.
She squared her shoulders, looking away from me like she didn’t like any bit of this conversation. “I was…wrong. I made a mistake, a temporary lapse in judgment, and… and I’m sorry for putting Devil’s life in danger, and… and for making you worry,” she said, sneaking a careful glance at me.
The sincerity in her eyes shook me. She was being honest; she was apologizing. She was doing all I’d wanted since the moment I started growing interested in her.
To disregard this just for my goal felt… wrong.
When I didn’t respond yet again, I could see a twinge of defeat in her eyes, but with the breath she let out, I knew she was about to reveal more information she had never disclosed to anyone.
“I’ve been put to the test before. When I was younger, a year after living with Manuel.” She swallowed. “There was a bomb, and he—he put people there in the—in a building. He, um—he asked me to defuse the bomb.” She paused, looking as though she was contemplating whether to continue or not. Her hand moved to her cheek to rub away an itch I was sure wasn’t there. “I thought it was just regular training, until—until I saw the bomb and the people… they were scared, crying. It was… it was terrible.
“Manuel was behind me, trying to guide me, but I was too scared. A lot was riding on it. If I failed, I would—I would kill them; if I didn’t, I would save them. Iwantedto save them. But—I was too scared, too slow, too weak. And the bomb went off. I didn’t hear their cries anymore but the sm—the smell afterward… I couldn’t sleep for days, I couldn’t eat or think, I had nightmares, and Manuel, he… he didn’t really care that I wasn’t okay.”
She let out an unsteady breath, looking at me with a strained smile. “You want me to be very honest with you, Elio?” she asked, taking two steps closer to me until we were just a step away from each other. “I am terrified. I am constantly fucking terrified. I put up this strong and impenetrable wall around myself; I make it so hard for anyone to trust me. I have these issues so fucking deep inside me, this anger that makes me a stranger to myself, and I hate it. I just want a make-believe life with my team. I reallytrulywant to leave all this behind me; I want to go where nobody knows me, or my name, or the things I’ve done, but…” She gulped.
“I might have left Manuel, but he never left me. He’s here”—she gestured to her head—“he’s in my head, in every fucking action I take. I am often reminded that I am who I am today because of him, and it messes me up. That man took—he took, he took, and he took so much from me, and now I’m just…” She lifted her shoulder, dropped it. “Empty. Filled with so much hate, so much inferiority, so much malice.”
She was so sincere that her words didn’t have to be deciphered before they made sense to me.
“You want me to tell you why I always want control, why I never bend?”
I didn’t respond.
“It’s because I’m not allowed to. I don’t have the… luxury of beingfreewith my emotions. They’ve been used against me before, so I try as much as possible to stop that from happening again. I protect myself and my heart.” Her gaze pierced mine. “This thing I’m doing, telling you all of this… I don’t… I don’t do it. I don’t want to do it, but…” She shrugged with a cautious smile. “You’re worth it.”
My resolve melted, but I didn’t speak.
