“I don’t want your composure!” I yelled sharply, stepping closer to him. “I don’tneedyour composure, Elio. I need to know how you feel; unearth. Tell me. Explain. Give me something. Anything to make this guilt stop eating me from the inside out because I have spent all this week thinking this is all my fault! Thinking you tried to hurt yourself because of me, so please, justtalkto me.”
Whatever mask he had been wearing slipped off him instantly as he closed the remaining distance between us, cupping both sides of my face in his hands, thumbs going to my cheeks to wipe the tears before they could fall even fartherdown. “No… never… this was not your fault. Please do not blame yourself. You have no reason to blame yourself.”
“It wasn’t the party?”
“No. No, Zahra, of course not. The party was astounding. I loved it. I was happy. I don’t know what happened. I wanted to sleep. I was tired, and I went to take my pills to help me. I took two of them, and then I woke up today and learned I had been unconscious for days.”
“You took more than two, Elio. You took everything.”
Silence followed; he stood watching me for a few beats before he dropped his hands from my face, his fingers raking through his hair, ruining the arrangement. “I have no idea what you want me to say. I cannot remember what I did; my mind has blocked it out because I wasn’t there at that moment.”
“Okay… then get help, get help so that this doesn’t happen again.”
He shook his head, stepping back from me and turning to the bed. “I do not wish to.”
“Why?”
“BecauseI do not wish to.”
I rushed around him until we were face-to-face again. Unable to continue this conversation in English, I switched to Spanish.“Why the fuck are you so stubborn about this!”
“I do not have to answer to you.”
“Don’t give me that bullshit!” I yelled, shaking my head. “You clearly need help, and you will get it. Whether you like it or not.”
The softness that had been in his eyes vanished. “Who do you think you are?”
“One of the many people who care if you live or you fucking die. You will treat yourself.”
His laugh was humorless. “Honestly, it would do you good to forget it happened.”
“Forget?”
“Yes. Forget it; erase it from your memories because I will never heed your wishes. It is not what I want.”
I nodded. “Right.” My eyes searched his. “That’s all right. But know this: if you don’t get help, I don’t think I can be in this relationship.”
“Of course you would end the relationship just because I don’t agree with you. You’re toxic.”
That had my eyes widening, fury scratching painfully on my skin. “Toxic?Iam toxic?”
“As if you weren’t already aware.”
Is this motherfucker—
“You wanna know what’s toxic?” I gave him a pointed glare, sharpening my arrows. Stepping closer to him, I didn’t break eye contact. “You really wanna know what’s toxic, Elio?”
His jaw clenched, but he didn’t speak.
“It’s waking up”—I poked his chest—“in the middle of the fucking night, going to the bathroom, and seeing you lying there… pale, cold, and not breathing.” He didn’t move back as I moved forward, my chest brushing his. “You wanna know what else is toxic? It’s me using these hands”—I brought my palms before me, placing them on his chest—“to try”—I sucked in a breath—“to try to bring you back to life… over”—I pushed him, and he stumbled back—“and over”—I hit his chest in a push that had him stumbling back again—“and over again!”
“Zahra—”
“Toxic? Toxic is the fucking fear I felt for you! It’s the fucking tears I cried for you! It’s my heart breaking seeing the look on your brother’s face when you were carried out, looking like you wouldn’t make it through the night, Elio.”
I sniffed, wiping my cheeks. “I’ll be damned a thousand times over if I choose to accept your death wish and hold that kind of fear in my heart for the rest of my life, waiting for the last shoe to drop. If you won’t get help, then this is done. I’m sorry, but I won’t go through that again.”
Again, silence reigned.
