She blinked rapidly like she wanted to clear her vision. “A lot happened tonight.”
I was losing my patience. “What doesa lotentail? Care to elaborate?”
She shifted uncomfortably, looking down. “It’s not something I can… speak about; I don’t feel comfortable speaking about it right now.”
I nodded. “This is good,” I said, making her look back at me. “This is good that we are airing out the things we are uncomfortable with. For example, I am currentlyveryuncomfortable with this relationship.”
“Elio—”
“… and I know you wanted me to tell you beforehand when I got tired and wanted to end it, but unfortunately, I do not have enough patience to wait for you to review my decisions and see if I am worthy enough for you to deliver an answer to.”
Her shoulders dropped, eyes on me with a plea in them. “Iwantto tell you, but I—I don’t know how to.”
“And I am not pushing you to tell me,” I informed her. “It is your choice. I am only putting an end to what I started,” I said, and in response, something clogged and tightened in my chest at the way her face fell.
She carefully rose to her feet, about to step toward me, but hesitated. “Let’s talk about this.”
“You keep saying that, but you never say anything.”
“I amtrying, Elio. I am.” Her voice shook. “Don’t—please don’t make a decision right now. I know you’re angry, and you deserve an explanation, and you feel like this isn’t—like I’m not open enough, and I know you probably think this was a mistake—”
“I would not call what we had a mistake. It was not one. I only thought the two of us could be good together, but apparently I was wrong. This is toxic. I cannot read you; I do not know you as well as you know me. I try my best to be openforyou. I leave everything bare, but you give me only what you think I need to know. I do not know what is real or false, I keep building trust, and you keep breaking it.”
She swallowed. “I never mean to.”
“How am I sure?” I pressed. “How will I know that you won’t decide to take matters into your own hands and do something that would make me want to fucking strangle you? How do I know that I can trust you? You are not giving me anything emotion-wise, and I am giving you everything. Do you know how one-sided that feels?”
She shook her head. “It’s not one-sided,” she said, voice quiet.
“How do I know that when you won’t talk to me?”
She didn’t respond, and I waited and waited; my head yelling at her to say something, anything. But she did not speak.
Not one word.
“You won’t say anything?” I asked.
Nothing.
I released a breath and shook my head, looking away from her, biting my tongue till it was sore before I decided to break the silence.
“Thank you, for saving my life, for preparing all of this. This has been—” My words cut off in my throat, and I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. I didn’t want to say something I would regret, so I settled with, “I hope you find someone you can willingly give your trust to, even if that person isn’t me.”
She took her eyes off me completely, and the silence that followed was deafening to the point that I decided I was done standing there.
No effort. Her easy acceptance had me confirming that I was the only one dedicated enough to keeping this relationship afloat.
I hurt her,maybe. Her expression, though a little flat, gave nothing away.
But she hurt me… and it was not amaybefeeling, the curling and twisting in my chest at the realization that she had chosen whatever burden she refused to share over this… over us.
It felt like I had been dating myself for the duration of this relationship—like it was always bound to end, and she knew that, so there was no point trying to save a sinking ship.
How I didn’t see this before was unbelievable.
I shook my head, sighed, and walked away from her and out of the room.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
