Guilt was such a horrible feeling.
I couldn’t even entertain the thought of shoving the people I cared for aside without feeling like I was making a huge mistake.
How the fuck did I get so compromised? How did I slowly forget the reason I left Sicily? When did I start thinking I could actually have it all?
I should know better. Iusedto know better.
If today, and all I’d had to do to get them out, had taught me anything, it was the fact that Street and Elio lived very far away from the life I’d been born into.
Too far…
“Hey, we’re good to go.”
I snapped my head up at Daiyu, who was dressed in the same black-on-black gear as me, a gun in her hand. “Oh, okay.”
“Are you good?” she asked, her voice and eyes filling with concern.
I looked away from her, cocking the gun in place as I nodded. “Yeah, sure.”
Her eyes softened. “Zahra, you know there’s still time to—”
I met her gaze. “I’m not backing out.”
She watched me for a moment before nodding. “All right then, did you get your guys out okay?”
I nodded.
“And Marino?”
I flinched, startled.
She shrugged. “I did a little digging after I saw him at Julio’s. Is he the guy you were texting the other time?”
I looked away again, shoving the second gun in the waistband of my pants and grabbing my hair tie from the bed. “Yeah.”
It was quiet as I tied up my hair.
“Does he know?” she suddenly asked.
I let out a sharp breath. “Considering the fact that I just risked my neck by drugging the boss of the Marino fucking empire who also happens to be a guy who—for some odd reason— I really, really like, just to get him off of the ship so we can do this, no, he doesn’t know.”
“Zahra—”
“No, it’s—” My hands left my hair, digging into my eyes instead. “I was stupid for thinking I could be a Plant and still have a normal life.” I dropped my hands. “I’m not fucking normal. None of this is…” I sighed, swallowing the bitterness in my throat. “What kind of a person drugs the people she considers family just to make sure they never catch wind of the shitty life she once lived?”
Daiyu’s shoulders dropped.
“What kind of person clings to lies like it’s her only lifeline? What kind of person am I, Daiyu? I don’t know anymore—I mean, I can’t be a good person if my first response to literally anything is deceit, and lies, and violence, can I?”
Daiyu sighed, taking a step closer to me. “Listen, Zahra, I wish I could tell you something different, but I can’t. I’ve made my peace with the hand I was dealt a long time ago. I could never have normal friends, or a serious relationship or… or a family. It’s like you said, we weren’t born to be happy. No matter how much your people promise to be there for you, it doesn’t change the fact that when they know, it’ll change everything about the way they look at you, and to live like that… to have the people you love see you the same way you see yourself when you look in the mirror, it’s—”
“Scary,” I finished for her.
“Yeah.” She smiled sadly. “It’s why I avoid connections like that. It makes my existence easier to deal wi—” She frowned, angling her head a little to the left, her hand lifting to her ear as she said, “Copy.” Her eyes met mine. “My people located them on board. The chaos from the event you were at hasn’t reached them yet, but it might soon. We need to leave before it does.”
I nodded, our earlier conversation forgotten as I removed the gun from my holster and followed her lead, rushing out of the room. “Do we have rescue on standby?” I asked, my strides just as long as hers.
“Yeah.”
