And Charon, my second-in-command.
I meet each of their questioning gazes in turn. If I do this, there’s no going back. A part of me wants to change course, to stick to the familiar, even if the weight of this title has grown more suffocating with each passing day. Still, it’smineto bear. Passing the burden to someone else—even if it’s a group of people—feels selfish in the extreme.
Once again, I picture my wife’s devastated face. Her mother is dead. The next murder could be one of her sisters. It could beher. Or our children. If I have even the smallest chance of saving her from more pain…of saving myself…
Through the course of my life, I have done anything and everything I could to protect the lower city and allow it to flourish in its own way. The cost has been high on a personal level, and I’ve never questioned it. It’s a duty and a privilege to rule. But Persephone’s only sin is loving the man who rules the lower city.
More, if I cling to power because I’m afraid of letting go instead of allowing my people a true chance at representation, then I’m actively holding them back. That, I won’t do. Not even for myself. I take a deep breath. “In a short period of time, Hermes will issue an invitation to all of Olympus…”
31Circe
As I watch Hecate set up things to record her video, I can’t help wondering if maybe I actually died in the river. Or maybe I actually died all those years ago, a victim of Zeus’s violence. Surely that makes more sense than the truth.
That I let my hate be my defining trait for nearly one-third of my life. That I orchestrated so much violence and death, and yet the ones who paid the cost are the people I brought into the city. Yes, Olympians have died, but the numbers are on their side. After making a few calls this morning, I discovered that only Nerissa escaped from the mob.Only Nerissa.
I press my hand to my chest. I thought I could cut myself off, could hold myself apart to diminish the chance the world had to hurtme. No, not the world. My ambition. It’s always been my fucking ambition to blame.
All those years ago, Hecate only wanted me. She didn’t give a shit about fancy presents from the upper city, but I was so determined to prove we deserved nice things, to give her a taste of the life we could have if we moved to the city… And then I never made it home.
I’ve never been more tired than I am in this moment, even with the sleep I’ve managed to snag while wrapped up with Hecate and Atalanta. Was this all for nothing? Or was it all an unnecessarily complicated plot to bring me right to this moment. To Hecate, who I never stopped loving. To Atalanta, who I never could have anticipated.
I don’t want to lose them—or, more accurately, the possibility of a future with them. I can’t let my ambition cause more pain, more suffering. “I’ll do it.” I don’t mean to speak, but the words spill out all the same. Hecate and Atalanta pause in their setup to look at me in question. It’s enough to keep going. “Whatever you need, I’ll do it. Even if it’s leaving.”
They exchange a glance. Hecate clears her throat. “As much as I appreciate your strong statement, it will have to wait until we’re done with this next step. And, like, no offense, but even with the hot sex and the whole still-loving-you thing, I don’t entirely trust you.”
“I haven’t given you good reason to trust me, but I’m asking for it now. I’ll leave the city—without a fight, without causing any further problems, without any plots or plans.” I wrap my arms around myself. It’s impossible to channel the untouchable queen I was when I arrived in Olympus again. But she never existed anyway. “I onlyhave one condition.”
“Here we go,” Atalanta mutters, but there’s no heat to her words.
“We need to get what remains of my people out safely. I have enough resources to settle them somewhere safely, but the city isn’t exactly traversable for us right now.” I’ve had the resources for years. Taking down Olympus wasn’t cheap by any definition of the word. If I’d gone a different route…
No. If I allow myself regrets, then they’ll crush me. I made mistakes. I miscalculated a number of things. People who I care deeply about died…
I rub my chest again. What is grief if not regret? I can’t banish it. Not when I know the last thing Antigone did was push me over the edge in an attempt to give me a chance to survive. She…
“Circe.” Hecate covers my fingers with hers. The skin on my chest aches, and I belatedly realize I’ve been scratching myself as if I can dig my heart out of my chest with my bare hands. She squeezes. “I’m sorry. For everything.” She pulls me into a tight hug.
I cling to her, letting the familiarity of her roll over me. So much has changed, from our bodies to our circumstances, and yet I would know her even in a world devoid of all my senses. “I’m sorry, too,” I whisper. “I should have come back for you instead of letting my hate and rage fester.”
“There was a lot of hate and rage to go around.” She kisses me lightly and leans back. “But we’re going to leave Olympus better than we found it.”
“I love you.” How could I not, when her brilliance shines through even the darkest times? No matter how many setbacks andlosses she’s experienced, she has her eye on what the future could be, and she’s willing to use all of her considerable skills to bring it into reality.
“I love you, too.” She cups my jaw, her pretty face almost serene. “It will be worth it, Circe. I promise.”
I turn to find Atalanta watching us. I brace for jealousy—this triad is so new that surely there will be some kind of jealousy or balance problems—but she’s wearing a contemplative expression. I bite my bottom lip. “I’m glad to have found you, too, Atalanta.”
“I know,” she says simply. “But you’re acting like we’re making grand declarations before we all go die nobly, and I’m not interested in that outcome.”
Hecate laughs a little and disentangles herself from me. “You’re right. We’re being unbearably dramatic.”
Atalanta surveys me. “It’s best we let Olympus believe you died in the river. Nothing has hit MuseWatch about the possibility that you survived. If the public thinks you’re dead, it will be easier to get them to focus on the future instead of continuing their rampage as they search for you.”
I open my mouth to argue, but the logic is sound and it would be my pride talking. I sigh. “I guess Olympus has killed me after all.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time.” Hecate bumps her shoulder to mine. It’s a testament of her resilience to be able to joke about this while the situation is still developing.
“I suppose I need to start making my plans to leave the city.” Alone, again. Except not entirely. I’ll have Nerissa and the few surviving people I brought with me to Olympus. If they will have me, which isn’t a guarantee at this point.
