Barnaby rolls onto his back and Victor rubs all over his belly and sides. Barnaby squirms in joy. “I think you’ve made a friend for life, there,” I say.
Victor looks up at me, still rubbing my dog. “I hope so.”
My heart swells. What’s that expression—love me, love my dog? If Victor can fall instantly in love with my dog…
Victor stands and dusts his hands off. Barnaby rolls to his feet and heads for the stairs to the deck but then stops at the bottom and looks up at me. “You can do it,” I tell him. “I know you can.”
He puts one paw on the first step, then looks over at Victor.
“I had to teach him how to use stairs when I adopted him,” I say at Victor’s quizzical look. “He’s still not the biggest fan.”
“Wanna do them together?” Victor asks Barnaby. He positions himself next to Barnaby, hooks a finger in his collar, and plants one foot on the step next to Barnaby’s paw. “Ready?”
Victor takes the steps slowly, his finger in Barnaby’s collar gentle encouragement, rather than pulling on him, and Barnaby remembers that he is totally capable of using the stairs he’s had to use at least three times a day since I got him.
When they reach the top, I pet Barnaby’s head. “Good boy,” I tell him. At Victor’s forlorn look, I tell him, “Yes, you’re a good boy, too.”
“Do I get petting?” Victor asks, a glint in his eye and a wicked twist to his mouth.
“How about a blow job?” I counter, calling his bluff.
He blinks at me, then chuckles. “Never gonna turn that down.”
Barnaby drinks some water, then plunks himself down on his bed next to the sofa. He’ll be asleep in seconds, I know from experience, so I motion to Victor to follow me upstairs.
We’re going to do it proper this time. No frantic, furtive coupling on the living room rug. I’m going blow him and maybe fuck him in my bed with no shame or guilt about it.
Except when we get upstairs, I’m struck by the weirdness of having him in my bedroom. I’ve long since cleared out Leah’s things, except for a few photos of her and a handful of items that are stored out of sight. But I haven’t taken anyone to bed in this room since her, and Victor’s a large, sort of looming—and very male—presence who takes up a lot of space.
He seems to sense my hesitation and sits down on the end of the bed. I step closer to him and he spreads his legs apart to make room for me. I rest my hands on his shoulders and he puts his on my sides. “It’s a little weird, huh?” he says.
“Yeah,” I confess.
He looks around the room. “I like the changes you’ve made.”
I did some renovations after Kelsey moved out. New paint colors, window treatments, updated kitchen appliances and bathroom fixtures. A bold print wallpaper in my bedroom, and some new furniture. Including…
“New bed,” I tell Victor, shuffling a little closer to him, in between his spread knees. I slide my hands from his shoulders up the column of his neck and tangle my fingers in his hair. He pulls me even closer, wraps his arms around my waist, and rests his forehead against me. “I mean, not that new, but no one but me has slept in it.”
“Is sleeping what you want to do right now?” Victor asks, his voice muffled in my shirt.
“No,” I tell him. I pull his hair hard enough to lift his head and force him to look at me. “I want to suck you off, then fuck you. Is that okay with you?”
“Yeah,” he says on a shaky breath.
I step back and kneel down. I start with his shoes, untying the laces and pulling them off his feet, then his socks. When I kneel up to work his jeans off, Victor has already unbuttoned them and is fumbling with his zipper.
“No,” I say. His eyes meet mine, startled. “I meant…I’d like you to be still and let me…” Do all the work, I almost said, but this is the farthest thing from work. Please you, is closer to what I mean but still not right.
Worship you is too blasphemous.
Love you is what I really mean but I’m too afraid to say it out loud.
“Can you?” I ask instead. “Be still for me?”
“Of course,” Victor says.
It’s the inverse of what happened that first night. I’m still taking charge. I’m still taking what I want. But I’m asking him first.
