“But I don’t see,” Victor says. His calm is getting on my nerves. “You and I are not related, Jason. As much as we have a bit of an unconventional family here, it’s a family of circumstance, not blood.”
He’s right, of course, but I can’t shake the feeling that it would be wrong to start anything with Victor. I could never lie to Kelsey, especially about someone as important to her as her father. But how on earth can I tell her, either?
What if she thinks I didn’t love her mother as much as she thought I did? She heard so many teachers and friends’ parents tell us both how strong I was after Leah died, how hard it must be to raise a motherless teenage girl while carrying on the music ministry at Saint Sebastian.
Never once in the years since Leah died have I felt strong, or brave, or any of those words well-meaning people called me.
Victor sighs. “You spend so much time thinking about doing the right thing, Jason. I wonder if you’ve lost track of what would make you happy. Have you ever thought that God might want you to be happy in addition to being good?”
When I don’t answer right away—what in Christ’s name am I supposed to say in response to that?—Victor turns on his heel. “I’m going to change for dinner and meet Kelsey and Adrienne at the bar.” There’s no judgment in his tone but it also lacks the soft warmth it had before Logan’s knock interrupted us.
I’m still standing in the middle of the room when Victor emerges from the bedroom in the same slacks he wore to dinner last night and another guayabera, this one a pale pink. He must have washed his face because his hair is damp around his temples. He’s still the handsomest man I’ve ever seen.
He reaches for me when he passes, grasps my shoulder, and squeezes. “Come join us soon,” he says.
I want to grab him and kiss him until he forgets my freakout just now. But I don’t know how to get over myself and bring us back to the closeness we just shared.
I feel out of sorts.
Irritated that Logan and Silas interrupted what probably would have been the kind of mind-blowing sex I haven’t had since…well, since the last time I had sex with Victor.
Angry at myself for letting that casual knock derail everything.
Frustrated at Victor’s patience, at how easily he stepped back from what he said he's been wanting for years, even though I'm the one who said no strings.
But mostly just tired. Bone-deep weary, and afraid that I’ll never get my shit together enough to move on from Leah’s death.
I thought I was ready. And I know that Victor will never push me until I demonstrate to him that I am ready. But now, I’m not at all sure that I am.
I lie down on the bed, just for a minute, and drape an arm over my eyes to shield them from the ceiling fan light. God, give me the strength to face Victor, my daughter, and everyone else at dinner tonight.
Fifteen
Victor
I’m distracted during dinner, checking the restaurant’s entrance every few minutes for Jason. I hope he doesn’t think I left in a huff because he wouldn’t put out. It seemed like the right thing to do—give the man a minute or two alone—so he could pull himself together.
So much for just this week. The familiar ache settles back into my chest, the one I've learned to live with. But I'm not such a dick as to throw Jason's words back at him, or guilt him into something he's clearly not ready for. It’s no more than what I should have expected anyway.
My distraction hasn't gone unnoticed. Logan and Silas seated themselves on the other end of the table, with Kelsey and Adrienne between us. A thoughtful, unspoken indication that they won’t pressure us to talk. Though knowing Jason, he'd probably read it as disapproval instead.
But when Kelsey calls my name, and the note of impatience in her voice indicates it’s not for the first time, I smile sheepishly at her. “Sorry, Kels, what did you say?”
Kelsey heaves a big sigh. “I asked—twice already, by the way—if you know where Dad is? You keep looking at the door like he’s about to walk through it any minute, but you’re the one who said we should go ahead and eat without him. Is something wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, sweetie.” Maybe it’s the quickness of my attempt at reassurance, or the note of doubt I can’t keep out of my voice, but she lifts an eyebrow at me. She tosses Adrienne a glance, who’s engrossed in an animated conversation with Logan. Silas interjects an occasional comment, between stealing bits of food off Logan’s plate.
Kelsey shifts her chair a little closer to mine and lowers her voice. “Daddy, what the hell’s going on? Is Dad really that annoyed that he has to share a cabin with you? I don’t want you guys to be miserable during my wedding week.”
I pat her left hand, which is resting on the table between us. Her engagement ring, a star sapphire she and Adrienne found at an antique store in New Orleans’ French Quarter, is a smooth lump under my palm. “Your dad is fine, sweetie.”
At least I hope he is by now. Is it a lie if I say something that I don’t know to be true but don’t know to be untrue? “He’s just…” I grasp for something plausible to say.
Despite what Jason might think, I’m not jonesing to reveal what happened between us fifteen years ago to our daughter, either. Neither do I want to cue her in on anything that almost, but didn’t, just happen between us today. “He’s dealing with some complicated feelings about your mom this week.”
That’s accurate, at least.
Kelsey nods. “Do you think he might be ready to start dating again?”
