“To Mom,” Kelsey says, raising her cocktail glass, with its striped paper straw, pink umbrella, and purple orchid speared on a slice of pineapple.
“To Leah,” everyone at the table echoes, even Logan and Silas, who never knew her. I feel a flood of complicated emotions. Gratitude for the years I had with Leah. Grief at her loss, which has never completely gone away, though it’s duller now and I can think of her on occasions like this and wish she were here without feeling the gaping void of her absence. And guilt, which has never dulled, over what happened with Victor when we crossed a line that couldn’t be uncrossed.
I try to shake it all off as our entrees arrive—local fish for me, something vegetarian for Victor—and the conversation shifts to wedding details.
“The ceremony site is even more beautiful than the photos,” Kelsey says. “We did a walk-through this afternoon.”
“The resort coordinator has everything under control,” Adrienne adds. “All we have to do is show up and say ‘I do.’” She leans toward Kelsey and kisses her on the cheek. With another pang of grief, I wish desperately that Leah were here to see her daughter get married.
And then I catch a glimpse of Victor, smiling at the two of them and I remember that she does have two parents who love her to witness her wedding. Victor turns that soft smile on me and I smile back before I can stop myself.
“And party for a week in paradise with your favorite people,” Silas says, gesturing around the table.
“So, how did you two meet?” I ask Silas. Admittedly, I’m desperate to focus on anything but the man beside me, but I'm also genuinely curious how this young man ended up with someone obviously old enough to be his father.
Silas and Logan exchange a glance that can only be described as guilty, then Logan sighs and nods at Silas. “Go ahead. You can tell them.”
Silas folds his hands primly in front of him and looks down at them. Then he blinks his ludicrously long eyelashes, looks up at the table under the fall of his blond bangs, and says, “Well, my now ex-boyfriend cheated on me and so I decided to seduce his dad for revenge.”
My mouth drops open and I look between the two of them. “Wait, Logan is…?”
“My ex-boyfriend’s dad,” Silas repeats with a glint in his eye.
“And you…?” Victor asks, a note of laughter in his voice.
“Revenge-fucked him to spite my ex,” Silas confirms with a self-satisfied nod. “And then fell in love with him, obviously.”
“Obviously,” I echo weakly.
Kelsey breaks out in giggles. “I never get tired of hearing this story,” she says. “It’s like the set-up for a romance novel.”
“A very dirty romance novel,” Silas says, grinning at her. “Complete with?—”
“Silas.” Logan’s tone is mild, but the effect on Silas is instantaneous. He sits up straighter and puts on a serious face, even though his eyes still dance with mischief.
“Yes, Da—Logan.”
Kelsey dissolves into giggles again and Silas joins her. Logan rolls his eyes at his young paramour, but he’s got an indulgent expression on his face that I bet lives there most of the time. He rubs Silas’s back affectionately, and the casual intimacy of the gesture lands somewhere in my chest. How long has it been since I've had that kind of connection?
I risk a glance at Victor and he’s watching Logan and Silas, too. Am I imagining that his expression mirrors my own feelings? I must be. Victor is hot, fit, and a celebrity yoga and fitness instructor. He could have a different man in his bed every night, from Silas’s age to his own.
I, on the other hand, don’t do casual sex and the last date I went on was with Leah.
When the dessert menu arrives, Victor declines the chocolate offering.
“Don’t like chocolate anymore?” I ask.
“You and Mom used to fight over the last piece of any chocolate dessert,” Kelsey points out.
Our eyes meet, and I know we’re both remembering demolishing the last half of a chocolate torte in my kitchen at three in the morning, both of us wrung out from the funeral, from crying, from everything. Victor had a smudge of chocolate on his lip that I wiped away with my thumb before kissing him for the first time.
Kelsey glances between us again, her brow furrowing slightly. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, I need to quit exchanging looks with Victor. I can’t even imagine how upset Kelsey would be to know what happened between her stepfather and her father, her mother’s best friend. The thought has haunted me for a decade and a half.
As dinner winds down, the conversation among the others turns to plans for the week ahead.
“Tomorrow is our group trip to the volcano, then the hot springs, where we can also have lunch,” Adrienne tells us.
I make a mental note to bring my binoculars and the laminated trifold brochure with illustrations of the most common Costa Rican birds.
