We roll into Cannon Beach in Tristan’s Honda Civic, and my heart feels like lead, but I smile tolerantly as Marion, who’s been driving since our last bathroom break, squeezes my knee with excitement. She and Tris have never visited the Oregon coast, so they’ve been buzzing the whole two-hour ride over from Portland, where they picked me up from my aunt’s house.
I’ve been staying with Aunt Sophia for weeks, and I feel so displaced. I miss Seattle and my little apartment. But at the same time, I can’t be there because I misshim, even though I shouldn’t. Plus, he’s there.
How is this real life?
I know deep down that Marcus didn’t actually know what Ryan did to my parents, and I know he was protecting his family. But what about my family? They died because of Skynet—because they tried to do the right thing.
It’s all so fucked up.
And I wanted him to protect me too. If he’d just told mewhat he suspected maybe it would have hurt just a bit less. It felt like a serious betrayal. My chest hurts just thinking about it, and I chew absently on my silver thumbnail, my eyes unfocused.
I mean, how do I come back from that?
Marion told me that he saved my life that night, using the literal shirt off his back to stop me from bleeding out until the ambulance showed up. Her voice is still rolling around in my head:He said to tell you he loves you, if it makes a difference . . .
Marion nudges my shoulder. “You have that look again, J.”
“What look?”
“Stop thinking about him.”
“Who?” I ask, my tone sullen.
She rolls her eyes.
Tris pushes his head between the two front seats like an eager child. “Yeah, who?”
“Marcus, obviously.”
Tris glances at me. “Is that why he’s so miserable?”
“I amnotmiserable.”
“Aunt Sophia said that you’ve either been working all hours of the day or sitting in your room, watchingSpider-Man: No Way Homeand eating copious amounts of peanut M&Ms.”
“Toothless has a thing for Tom Holland,” I say defensively.
“Bringing your cat into the scenario isn’t really helping your point,” Marion says.
“Can I not enjoy my breakup in peace?” I snap.
“You guys didn’t even really break up,” Marion points out. “You were together and then you weren’t, and you still haven’t told us what happened.”
“And Marcus won’t tell me anything either,” Tris pipes up. “I’ve asked him several times.” He pouts. “He’s all moody again. I miss dick-whipped Marcus.”
I grit my teeth. “Can we talk about something else?”
They both say “no” just as Marion turns into the beach house driveway.
“I wish Elsie didn’t have to work,” I grouse. “If she were here, she’d back me up.”
Marion rolls her eyes. “That’s because she hates gossip.”
“Exactly.”
My stomach churns as I stare at the Otter Limits sign, the cute little otters holding hands like they’re mocking my pain. Not only is this the last time I’ll see this place before Mike sells it, but I haven’t been back since Marcus came with me over Thanksgiving. It definitely would have been easier to stay here while I was doing my design work for Flash, but I didn’t trust myself not to fall apart, so I just made the drive back to Portland every night.
Was I tired? Sure. But it’s not like I’ve slept well since March anyway.
