Eyes still closed, he started.
“His name is Luca.”
And…guess he should have thought through what he would say to Mae Kellerman about Luca Yaeger. Maybe he’d thought the words would just tumble out of his mouth, like they had a second ago, about the break-in.
But the seconds ticked by, and the words had yet to arrive.
Maybe because he’d had more time for words about the break-in to marinate. Maybe because he’d already used those words, a bunch of times, in therapy, in conversations with his mom. But he’d never actually talked about Luca out loud. And maybe he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing, here.
And that probably meant he didn’t deserve either of them.
“Fuck.” He ran a hand down his face again, blinking his eyes open. He should at least have the courage to look at the world while he talked about this. “Sorry.”
“Dell,” Mae said, voice even. “I’m not…interrogating you about this. I’m not upset. I just want to know.”
Another beat passed before Dell blurted, “Fuck, he’d probably hate that I described him as a fisherman to you in the first place. He doesn’t actually want to be one.”
“Because he wants to be a novelist instead.”
Dell swallowed. “Yeah. But fishing’s all his family’s ever done. Anyway, we have a sexual relationship. We meet once a month. That’s it.”
“Yet…you know his hopes and dreams.”
Dell let out a rough laugh, about to reply with an incredulous denial. If only Luca had shared his hopes and dreams with Dell, their road might have turned out differently.
But he stopped himself at the last second. Because maybe Lucadidn’ttalk about his book with anyone else. But…god, Dell really had no idea.
“We talk, sometimes,” he said. “After. But mostly…we were clear about it, when we started. It’s not…a romantic relationship.”
Mae’s fingers were still dancing around Dell’s arm. It was both distracting and oddly focusing all at once.
“How long have you and Luca had this arrangement?”
“About two years.”
Mae’s fingers paused.
“That’s a long time to have…” She hesitated, as if she knew Dell would hate the termfuck buddy. “A friend.”
Dell rumbled an assent.
“Do you care about him?”
“I do.” He didn’t hesitate in his answer; Mae deserved his honesty. But his voice was shakier, a fraction less assured than he’d planned. “But it’s also different. It’s different, Mae, from…” He turned on his side, finally, to face her, even if it made his stomach lurch the most of all. “This. From you.”
He wanted better words to explain it. There were compartments in his heart for both of them, but Mae knew Dell in ways Luca had never even touched. She lived on his property, knew his dogs. And maybe those were superficial things, but they were things he had never let anyone else do. She made him feel a little more alive each time he saw her, whereas something inside him only grew tighter, more frustrated, each time he left Luca’s cabin. She made himlaugh.
He tried to imagine if he’d have let Luca see him last night, triggered and raw, like he had Mae.
The honest truth was, he really didn’t know.
But he had let Mae in without question.
“But it still matters,” Mae said, hands retreated, tucked back under her head. “Even if it’s different.”
“Yeah.” Dell breathed in and then out, deep and slow. “Mae, listen. I got too close last night, outside the bar, before those shots rang out. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…shouldn’t have touched you, without working out my shit with Luca.”
“You had started to tell me, though,” she whispered. “You were going to tell me, before we almost kissed.”
