“He was,” Julie agreed. “Until he wanted you to do something you didn’t want to do.”
Hugh had been after Robbie; Ben had thought Hugh was a good decision. One of the last people he’d dated, at least in a serious way, near the start of nursing school. But after a few months, Hugh had wanted to open up their relationship. Which, at the time, had felt like an almost surreal turn of events, considering Robbie hadn’t even liked Ben hanging out with other people. Ben had wanted to be cool with the idea, but when he was honest with himself, he simply didn’t know how he felt. He was a whole mess then anyway, struggling to keep up with school, and it just felt like too much.
It didn’t matter in the end. Because by the time he’d decided to tell Hugh he couldn’t do it, Hugh had already fully moved on to the guy he’d wanted to be more open with anyway.
He really had been nice, though, while they were together. And hot.
It was possible Ben still stalked Hugh’s Instagram sometimes.
“And this guy,” Julie pushed on after another long pause. “Alexei. Ishenice? Does he believe in you? Does he respect you, treat you with kindness, act like you’re perfect exactly as you are? Does he make you feel like you can do anything?”
Ben laughed a little. “Julie, have you become a romantic?”
Julie had never dated anyone in her life, as long as Ben had known her. Since the fourth grade. It felt a little funny that she was pressing him like this.
“Shut up, Caravalho.” Oh good, angry Julie again. “I’m fucking serious. Does he?”
Ben’s laughter faded. He tried to be serious, too.
He thought about Alexei at the restaurant. Whenhe’dtalked about Ben, and nursing, and being good with people. How he’d said:It’s like magic.
Ben started to cry.
It was possible he’d already been crying for a while now.
“You don’t have to answer those questions right now if you don’t have an answer. But if he doesn’t do those things, then yes, let him go, Ben.Let him go,” she emphasized. “You can do it. Keep kicking ass on that trail all on your own. I know you can. But…”A smaller pause. “You look happy in the photos you’ve been posting lately, Ben. Like, really, genuinely happy. And Ben?” That soft, un-Julie-like voice again. “It’s not a bad decision to be happy.”
Ben bit his lip.
“Even if he lives in Portland?” he let himself ask. “Even if he decides he doesn’t want to be with me, after the trail? If he even wants to be with me now?”
Julie sighed.
“Those are questions for you and Alexei to answer, Ben. But I feel like spending some time at least thinking about them isn’t a bad idea.”
Maybe she was right.
But Ben already felt himself resigning to the fact that he might not ever see Alexei Lebedev again. Alexei was already back on the trail; Ben had barely gotten out of bed. Alexei was strong, would likely be hiking even faster now. He would be far away by the time Ben returned to the trail. If Ben returned to the trail. Maybe he would just sleep forever in Big Bear City instead. Move in with Mo. Mo seemed nice.
Alexei, for all intents and purposes, was simply a painful, if familiar, ache in the middle of Ben’s chest now. He felt silly he’d even asked those questions to Julie out loud. If Alexei wanted to be with him, he’d still be here.
“I miss you so much, Julie.”
“I miss you, too.”
“Can you go give Delilah a hug for me sometime, maybe?”
“You bet your ass I can.”
“The trail is really hard,” Ben whispered. “I think I’m really bad at it sometimes.”
“How many miles have you hiked so far?”
“Two hundred and fifty.”
“Well, Caravalho, even if you quit today, that would still be two hundred and fifty more miles of the Pacific Crest Trail hiked than anyone else I know.”
Ben smiled. “Do you want to talk about Lorraine’s email?” He felt bad for dominating the conversation so thoroughly.
