Alexei’s near inability to hide what he was feeling was one of the things Ben loved most about him. Ben had spent far too much time in his life around people who appeared to be one thing, only to turn out to be another. It was refreshing, being around Alexei’s honesty.
Wait, a voice in his head said.Did you just say youloved—
“Shut up,” Ben said out loud. To himself.
And then he smothered his face with a pillow.
Ben loved lots of people. He loved his friends. Alexei was a friend.
A friend who read him fantasy novels, who had saved his life at least three times. A friend who had taught him so much about birds. A friend with tree trunk thighs. A friend with eyes that melted him almost every time Ben looked at them, so earnest and kind. A friend with a scruffy blond beard Ben wanted to feel against—
Nope.No bad decisions.
He had been so happy ten minutes ago. Then Alexei looked at his mouth too long, and he felt…like this.
Maybe…this had all actually been the worst decision from the start. Choosing to walk with Alexei when Ben knew, when he was honest with himself, that there had never been a moment Ben hadn’t wanted him.
He should have known he wouldn’t be able to stop.
It just still didn’t feel right, wanting Alexei that way. Didn’t feel like what Alexei needed. And they had such a good thing going. God, they were such good hiking partners by now. Ben wouldn’t be able to explain it to anyone who hadn’t gone through something like this, but that partnership felt so special, unlike anything he’d ever experienced before. Giving that up would feel like giving up the PCT.
And where would fully falling for Alexei truly get him anyway? Alexei might let his walls down around Ben sometimes, but Lord knew he still had walls aplenty. Ben had been down that road before, with extremely mixed results. Alexei had serious things to work through. Alexei lived very far away from Nashville.
A noise sounded from the shower. Alexei dropping something, maybe.
And now Ben was picturing Alexei in the shower, and—
Shit.Shit, okay. Ben had never been great at doing hard things—like excelling in school, or getting a real job, or saying no to men who were bad for him—but he was trying to get better at being an adult. Walking away from Alexei would be hard as fuck, but maybe he had to do it, for both their sakes. Maybe they should have a conversation. Maybe Ben should finally be more honest. With himself, but also with Alexei.
But…he’d made Alexei make that pact, about sticking together through the desert.
What would Alexei do if he was left on his own again? Keep making that Alexei 2.0 list, which Ben still didn’t completely understand but which filled him with rage anyway? Who would be there to force him to smile sometimes?
Had Ben done enough? To show Alexei that the world was decent? That he deserved friendship and trust, exactly as he was?
His mother’s voice this time:Not your responsibility, Bento.
Ben’s phone buzzed where it was charging on the floor. He let it buzz, clutched the pillow to his chest instead.
Alexei emerged from the bathroom. His skin was rubbed pink; his normally neat hair sticking in all directions as Alexei ruffled it with the thin motel towel. Ben’s entire body ached.
“You were right,” Alexei said with a small smile. “Feels good.”
Ben was filled with a flashback to the night before.
Alexei had studied his maps, as he did every night, before he made his notes in his journal, before he cracked openAlanna. He had shared, with a tentatively proud smile, that he’d officially walked a hundred miles.
A hundred miles through the desert. Across a landscape that scared him.
Ben didn’t know what to do with his feelings, with the want that threatened to choke him.
But he knew Alexei deserved a night out in Big Bear City.
Maybe he’d figure out what to do tomorrow.
Maybe, for now, they could both have a well-deserved night out on the town.
***
