One man was…not so gentle. Not so kind.
But each encounter, in a way, served its purpose. Confirmed what Alexei already knew, in his heart of hearts. But…it was still good, he always thought, to have data.
None of the data ever led to further dates.
Not one had led to more than brief moments of cuddling. And while Alexei had loved the lead-up to each of those four times, the dropoff always left him empty.
The careful redressing of clothes. The awkward good-byes. Waking the next morning, the muscles of his body remembering the events of the night before, while his solitude on his pillow reminded him none of it had mattered.
He hated it. He had hated it so much every time.
And now he knew what it felt like not just in his own bedroom, but in a tent. With someone whom he actually knew—because dammit, hedidknow Ben, his kindness and his curiosity and his fears—who wasn’t a random swipe-right. Maybe it shouldn’t matter at all, because Ben was straight, and they were just friends, and they could laugh it off, like Alexei knew they should. He shouldn’t even be framing it around the swipe-rights. It wasn’t the same thing at all. They were friends, and it had been an accident. Alexei assumed everything about last night had been an accident.
But no matter how hard he tried to logic it away, somehow, waking up alone this morning seemed to matter even more.
It was quiet outside his tent. Alexei’s anger faded to something more gray and heavy. No matter his own confusing feelings, he knew Ben wasn’t actually a dorkbutt, not even a little bit.
And as the quiet outside his tent stretched, Alexei was suddenly struck with the fear that Ben was gone. Likegonegone. Like he had felt too awkward and embarrassed after spooning Alexei all night that he had packed up early and walked away.
Which…was what Alexei had wanted. He had never planned on sticking to the pact, right? He’d wanted Ben to walk away so he could get back to planning Alexei 2.0, back to saying good-bye in his own private way to the best coast. But—
Alexei peeled back the flap of his tent.
Ben sat cross-legged on the ground, the hood of his sweatshirt over his head, bare toes sticking out of his camp sandals. Staring into his mug of instant coffee.Thank God, Alexei thought, sighing inside himself.
Ben looked up at the rustle of Alexei crawling out of his tent.
Alexei sincerely cursed the reality that there was no elegant way to get oneself out of a one-person tent.
He was able to glance at Ben’s face for only a fragment of a second. It looked grim, Ben’s full lips diminished into a flat line. So Ben wasn’t in a laughing mood about last night, either. Darn.
Alexei promptly excused himself to go take a piss behind some sad, scraggly plants.
Alexei couldn’t wait for real trees again. What he wouldn’t give right now for the solidness, the strength of a redwood.
When he returned to their campsite, Ben still hadn’t moved.
“Hey.”
The single syllable from Ben’s mouth felt unnaturally loud, even though Alexei knew he had actually said it rather quietly. It stopped Alexei short, cutting him off from the path he had been steadfastly focused on: piling straight back inside his tent to change his clothes, get ready for the day, and never talk about last night again.
Gathering his strength, he turned toward Ben.
Ben’s hands twisted around his mug.
“So here’s kind of a weird thing about me.” Ben paused to take a deep breath. “Sometimes, when I’m really stressed, I…fall asleep.”
Alexei took a second to process this. He supposed…that would explain last night. If it was even true, if that was even a thing.
Ben rushed to fill Alexei’s silence.
“Ask Julie, or my old roommate Khalil, or pretty much anyone in my family. I learned in high school I couldn’t wait until the last minute to cram for a test because every time I was lights out as soon as I opened a textbook. I slept alotduring nursing school. Like, I have fallen asleep in alotof weird places. I am actually shocked, now that I think about it, that I didn’t fall asleep on Fuller Ridge. It’s a pretty solidly unhelpful quirk.”
Ben’s gaze had skittered away as he rambled, focusing on a random point in the horizon. He hazarded a quick glance back at Alexei now before taking an awkward sip of his coffee.
“Anyway, are you mad at me? You look like you might be mad at me. It’s okay if you are. I seriously invaded your space, Lex. I’m sorry.”
Alexei rubbed a hand over his face, trying to rub away any trace of whatever he was accidentally displaying there.
