“No. Which is why they don’t know I’m doing this. Which feels a little strange, since my dad was the one who got me into hiking as a kid.” Alexei swallowed, head falling toward his chest again, the slightest dash of emotion flashing across his face before he smoothed it away. “I still talk to Alina sometimes. I don’t know if they know she still talks to me. She feels…confused, I think. I feel bad that she’s in the middle.”
“God. Lex,” Ben said again.Shit.
“I felt like an awful person at first. Like I was essentially choosing the ability to have sex over my family, and who does that?”
Ben almost fell over.
“Alexei, that’s not—”
“I know, I know.” Alexei waved a hand in Ben’s direction. But Ben was deeply worried Alexeididn’tknow. That that wasn’t how any of this worked at all.
“Then the company I worked for had a big merger. I got laid off, got a small severance. So I had some time on my hands, and thought this would be a good way to…work out some things for myself. So.” His head dropped back again. “That’s my story.”
“God,” Ben muttered. He could only stare at Alexei gazing serenely at the stars. Fuck, how hard must it have been for him to come out to his family? Had he only recently figured it out? Or had he always known, hiding his whole life, until he finally got the courage, and then—
The despair in Ben’s gut began to bloom into a hot, heavy anger.
“My parents aren’t bad people,” Alexei said, as if he could sense the fire rapidly taking over Ben’s senses and wanted to put it out. “They’re not. I’m sure they’re suffering, too. I know they loved me. I’m more trying to figure out…how I feel about a world that can make them believe what they believe. That what they did was the right thing. And where I fit now, in that world.”
Ben wanted to tell Alexei that he fit. That his parents were assholes. That he was gay, too.
Except Ben’s entire system felt frozen. He knew, of course, that even with every corporation in America shooting rainbow confetti out of a cannon every June, things like this still happened all the time, but—hell. Would anything about Ben’s experience actually help Alexei right now?Hey, mate, I’m also a homosexual! Except the last time I went to church I think I was six years old and my family has always been super chill about everything. So. It gets better?
“You know.” Alexei faced forward again, hugged his knees tighter into himself. A small smile played at his lips. “It felt okay, telling you all that. I hope it was okay I told you all that.”
“Yeah.” Ben’s voice came out as a croak. He swallowed. “Yeah, Lex. Thank you for telling me.”
“Okay.” Abruptly, Alexei unfolded himself, stood, and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I’m going to go to sleep now.”
He was still smiling somehow, but Ben could only nod.
Alexei walked toward his tent. Frantically, Ben tried to think of what to say to stop him. But after a few steps, Alexei turned on his own.
“Hey,” he said. “What’s your last name?”
“Caravalho. Why?”
“I figured we should know each other’s full names. In case something happens on the trail and we have to contact someone.”
Ben inhaled deeply through his nose. So cute and thoughtful. Ben wanted to punch Alexei’s parents in the face.
“You can contact Iris Caravalho in Nashville if anything happens to me.”
Alexei hesitated. “Your mom?”
Ben nodded.
“Is that…Spanish?”
“Portuguese.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.”
“You can contact Alina Lebedev in Portland if anything happens to me.”
Ben nodded again. He was a nodding machine. “Alina Lebedev,” he repeated.
