Mile 702
***
June 23
Alexei,
I showed Julie your letter. I didn’t know what else to do with it. She read it three times and was quiet for a long time. Which proved to me I must really be in a pathetic place because Julie never holds her tongue. Anyway, she eventually gave it back to me and just said I should write you a letter back.
So, whatever. Here I am, writing you a letter, although I don’t really know what to say to you, Alexei. I don’t really want to tell you about Carolina’s graduation. I don’t really want to tell you anything. I want to say something about that bullshit about you being broken, but clearly I can’t change how you feel about yourself, Lex. Which is a lesson I thought I’d learned a hundred times before, with boys before you, but I guess I’m just a fucking idiot. Anyway, good news is that I’ve finally decided I’m done. For real. I’ve thrown my heart out there too freely my entire life, and yeah, maybe that was all my own doing, but I’m really fucking tired of it being broken all the time. So, no more relationships for me. Maybe I had to go out to the PCT and meet you to finally get that through my thick skull. So thanks, I guess.
The residency is going great, though. It’s hard and interesting and sad sometimes and great other times and makes me so tired by the end of the day that I barely have energy to think about how mad I am at you. Or worried about you. Or something. Or about how it felt that morning when I woke up and you were gone. I pick up every extra shift I can, hoping I am one day so wiped that I can never again dwell on the fact that when I told you I loved you that night, you never said it back, did you? I’ve been a fucking idiot my whole life, haven’t I?
Anyway, I’m not going to send this. Obviously, I’m not going to send this. But fuck, Alexei, I hope you’re still safe out there. I wish I could forget you. But mainly I really wish you had a fucking phone.
Ben
Unsent
Chapter Twenty-Five
June 29
Alina,
Do you remember that Christmas when I bought you socks, or something boring like usual, but myrealpresent was every variety of Little Debbies I could find? I sneaked into your room on Christmas night and clamped my hand over your mouth so you wouldn’t scream, and you kicked me in the balls, which looking back, was warranted. Then we sat up eating so much sugar our stomachs hurt. Zebra Cakes were your favorite; I loved the Strawberry Shortcake Rolls. I can still taste that sticky strawberry-flavored goo as I write this. I had never felt more rebellious in my life than when I bought those at Fred Meyer for you.
Or do you remember when we used to run through the woods when we were kids, and you always pretended you were something odd, like a sloth, or a narwhal? And I was always a fox.
I saw actual foxes on the PCT, back in the desert, in the middle of the night. Kit foxes, to be exact. They were playful and had adorable ears. I wish you could have seen them.
I miss you, Alina. How’s the new apartment? Do you have it decorated like you wanted? Is work still okay?
You know I want to ask about Mom and Dad—or maybe I don’t—but either way, I’ve decided I’m not going to anymore, Alina. I hope you know by now that it’s not your responsibility, choosing between them and me. They will always be our parents, and I will always be your brother. I probably haven’t been a very good big brother lately, but I would like to be. I’m in the middle of the High Sierra as I’m writing this, and I’m going to be honest, it’s pretty scary out here. It’s ridiculously pretty, but…well, there have been some sketchy moments, and let’s just say it’s made me think about some things. We’ve always been siblings, but when I get back to Portland, Alina, could we be friends? I would really like that.
I fell in love with someone out here. I don’t know if you want to know that or not, but he’s not here anymore, and I’m trying to move on from it. I guess I thought if I told someone, it would feel easier, and the only person I really want to tell is you. It’s hard to describe what it felt like, falling in love with Ben, but it was like he…loosened me. Like I didn’t know how stiff and uncomfortable I had been before, until I started walking with him. Like I had been clenching my jaw for so long and never fully knew until I met Ben, until I discovered the relief of my muscles starting to let go.
And now that I’m trying to walk without him, it’s like all of my loosened limbs are confused, trying to snap back into place again but not finding the right joints, disconnected and bruised.
But I’ve been thinking about some of those small things we did when we were kids. Running around the woods, sneaking sugar. Trying to remember that my body has been fluid before.
Do you remember how easy it was to convince Mom to let us quit Russian school? In my memories, our childhood was so strict, but when I look deeper, we got away with so much stuff, and it makes me laugh. I’m trying to hold on to those memories, to remind myself I can reshape myself again.
Have you ever been in love? It occurs to me I’ve never asked you. Maybe you have secrets, too. You don’t have to share them with me, of course. But you always can, if you want. I hope you know that.
It’s late, and I’m writing this by the light of my headlamp, and I forded three scary rivers today. I might be a little delirious. I won’t even be near a post office for another few days, so we’ll see if I actually get the courage to send this when I’m in town.
I miss you. I think I already said that, but I really mean it. I hope you don’t hate me too much for everything that’s happened. Maybe when I reach Cascade Locks, I could meet you there and we could get those ice cream cones that are five feet tall at the Eastwind Drive-In. That’s what I’m going to think about, anyway, for the next few hundred miles.
Alexei
Sent from Mammoth Lakes, July 6th
Mile 902
***
July 8
