“Okay,” Alexei said, even though it wasn’t, even though he found he didn’t care about whatever had happened. He just wanted this all to be over, now. He wanted to be back on the PCT.
“Carolina’s boyfriend broke up with her,” Ben said, and Alexei almost laughed at how irrelevant this felt. “They had a whole plan about how they’d stay together, do long distance between Georgetown and BU, and Carolina has spent her whole lifeplanning, knowing what’s coming next, and it’s sent her into a tailspin. I could kick that kid’s ass for doing it during finals. What the hell.” He looked down at the floor. “I’ve never seen her like this. She’s scared. She’s spent her whole life acting like an adult, and now she’s about to start this journey she’s wanted for so long. But tonight she was just…a scared little kid.”
Ben was quiet a minute.
Some part of Alexei knew this was kind of funny.
That he and Carolina were the same.
“I can’t leave her, Lex.”
Alexei didn’t have a response to this, although he knew he probably should. He waited while Ben tapped his fingers nervously on his knee.
“But that’s not the only thing,” Ben said slowly. “It helped make my decision clear, but…”Alexei could tell Ben was biting the inside of his cheek. “I got a call from the nursing home where I did my geriatric rotation.” He took a deep breath, his voice changing from the certainty that had been there while he was talking about his sister to something higher and shakier. “They have an opening. For an RN. They want me to do a residency there.”
Alexei thought about Ben treating Thompson’s cut at Deep Creek. About Ben examining the old man’s arthritic joints at the hot springs. And he thought about Ben in Big Bear City, asking what would happen if it turned out he wasn’t good at being a nurse after all, the vulnerability that had been in his eyes.
“That’s great, Ben,” Alexei said softly, and it sounded like his heart breaking.
Ben glanced up at him, his eyes surprised, or maybe panicked.
“Yeah,” he said, voice still unsteady. “It’s…it’s really unexpected, and I should have told you about it as soon as they called me, but I’ve been processing it, trying to figure out what to do, and…I guess they liked me when I was there before, and…”He wiped his palms on his pants. “I liked it there, too. A lot. I feel like I can’t pass this up.”
As soon as they called me.It clicked then. When Ben had gotten the call at brunch on Sunday. How distracted he’d been ever since. The nursing home had been the call.
All this time, while Ben had paraded Alexei around Nashville, he hadn’t told him. This monumental piece of news. Even though Alexei had told Ben, he’d told him, so long ago, about how he needed Ben to be clear with him. Hurt slashed at the last of his defenses.
A silent beat passed before Ben looked at Alexei again.
“Can you tell me what you’re thinking? Lex?”
No, Alexei answered immediately in his head.
“You’ll miss the High Sierra,” is what he said eventually.
Ben hung his head. “I know,” he whispered. Looking up, he attempted a smile, eyes wet. “Although let’s be honest, I probably wasn’t going to survive the High Sierra anyway.”
Alexei’s chest constricted.You would have been fine, he wanted to say.I would have kept you safe.
He would need to get out of this room soon. He was having difficulty breathing.
“Lex.” Ben finally got up and sat next to Alexei on the bed. “Look, I don’t really care about the High Sierra right now. I mean, Ido. You have to know I do. I wanted to reach Canada, Lex. God, my bear canister and ice ax are waiting for me at Kennedy Meadows. You should go through my resupply box there, take what you want. I…I’ve wanted to do something like this forever, and the fact that I’m not finishing it, just as I was really getting into it, is…”
Ben shook his head, trailing off. Alexei stood, unable to sit calmly next to Ben on the bed, thighs touching.
Of course Ben would stay and take care of his sister.
Of course the nursing home wanted Ben. He would be wonderful.
“Anyway, what I’m saying is, I’m devastated about the trail but I don’tactuallycare about the trail right now. I care aboutyou, Lex. I care about us.”
Alexei stared straight ahead at the washer and dryer, the colorful rooster painted on a blue ceramic plate hanging on the wall above them, his back to Ben.
“We can work something out, Lex. I’ll wait for you to finish the trail if you’ll wait for me to finish the residency. We’ll wait for each other. Lex, Julie was right the other day, I’m kind of a slut, I’ve dated a lot of people, but you…you have to know this is special, right? That we found each other on the trail? We’re special, Lex. Being with you has been soeasy, from the moment I met you.”
Shut up, Alexei thought.Shut up, shut up, shut up.Maybe if Ben shut up, this wouldn’t hurt so much. It was all clear now. Ben was staying in Nashville. Alexei wasn’t. Ben had a bright future ahead of him. Alexei didn’t know a single thing about what his own future entailed, except that it wouldn’t be here.
There didn’t seem to be a lot else to explain.
