Swell.
“Dahlia, you’ll have to back up a bit to get out of the shot.” Maritza motioned from behind her camera.
London sat on the stool outside the stanchion. They put on gloves. It was cold in the barn, and flies buzzed around their head. They tried to pretend this wasn’t happening.
And they were pretty successful at it, for the first minute of filming. They washed down those teats like a champ. Arranged their thumb and forefinger around the base of one, as Randy had shown, ready to squeeze.
And then the damn cow moved.
As London’s hands were jostled, panic caused them to squeeze wildly, and the beast emitted a loud, annoyed moo.
“Oh mygod,” Dahlia breathed.
London felt it before they saw it. The surprising hit of warmth. The earthy smell of dirty cow juice.
With dread, they looked down.
At where they had just squirted milk. All over their crotch.
For a moment, they were speechless.
And then they said, “I fucking hate cows.”
Dahlia exploded into giggles.
“London, try not to curse on-screen,” Maritza said, and they could hear it in her voice, too, how hard she was trying to hold in her own laughter.
“Huh,” Randy said, because of course Randy was there, and of course he wasn’t laughing. “Interesting one, there. Remember, you’re not actually pulling on the teat. That’s a misconception. You’re just gathering up the milk and then squeezing. Downward.Awayfrom you. Into the bucket.”
“I—I wasn’t pulling; it just—” But Randy was already walking away.
“Oh my god, London, if you hurt Maisie, I will never talk to you again.”
London turned to Dahlia. “Maisie.”
“How did that evenhappen—” Dahlia covered her mouth, flapping her other hand around, tears in her eyes.
Maisie flicked her tail.
It swung and smacked London right in the head.
“Fucking—”
Dahlia and Maritza couldn’t even make coherent sounds now, they were both giggling so hard.
London rubbed their ear. “I suppose you don’t care that that actuallyhurt,” they muttered to themself.
“Okay, London.” Maritza’s voice was high-pitched from wheezing as she stood up. “You actually have to finish the milking now.”
Of course they did. London took a deep breath and refocused, which was hard to do, what with a wet, weirdly warm crotch. Maybe they could bribe Maritza somehow, to make sure Sai Patel never saw this footage. By some small blessing, the three judges were all busy watching over other contestants.
“Wait,” Dahlia said suddenly. “Oh my god. Oh mygod.”
“What?”London gritted out, exasperated, turning to look at her when they heard a softplop. This time, they smelled it before they saw it.
“London,”Dahlia breathed. “Maisie just took a gigantic dump.”
London closed their eyes and counted to ten. “I canseethat, Dahlia.”
