I turn away from the door, unable to hear anything more. I curl my shoulders and stagger back the way I came, barely paying any attention.
I am nothing.
I will never be anything.
Shut up! Not helpful.
How can I fix this?
I think about that day I set the skies on fire. It’s a blur, I was hurting everywhere. Deux was there wearing someone’s skin, and he stabbed me. I remember losing control, letting all my emotions out.
All of them.
In a way I hadn’t ever before.
Had I really trapped them there? If someone trapped me somewhere, I would want to kill them, too. Their anger makes sense. I can understand all of it, but beneath the understanding is this vicious and intense, horrible feeling that tears me apart.
I don’t want to lose them.
They will be slaves to Deux.
A sob catches in my throat; my hands tremble. I find myself slowing to a stop, doubled over, just trying to breathe through it.
The low burn of my heat simmers and then ignites. What? Why is it back again? Why am I having another one?
I stagger away, unwilling to let us all descend into that madness again.
They made a deal with Deux, my enemy, my true enemy.
They don’t even know what they’ve done. Bitter, helpless anger ripples through me, bleeding through my veins, but not at them. No, this anger is directed at me.
I should hate them, I try really hard to, but I don’t have it in me.
I thought they were my mates. Even after what I did, I still thought we were mates. How could they love anything like me? I’m…I don’t even know what I am.
Part monster.
Part human.
Part something else.
I shove up off the wall and stumble out of the house, heading towards where I can smell the salt from the ocean. I find thestairs that lead down to the beach and stumble my way down them, almost falling.
I step into the water. One step. The waves hit my ankles and suck at my legs, drawing me out. This time, instead of fear, instead of panic, I go out until I’m neck-deep. Then I duck under the waves, my feet not touching the bottom, and I scream.
I scream until I’ve got no air left, until there’s nothing but this ringing in my head and an agony that feels worse than when Deux tore out my eyes.
Scales brush against my legs and push me to the surface. My lungs burn when I am finally shoved out of the water, but the heat scent is hidden.
“Strega,” Lirin murmurs, and the sound of him saying that in such a gentle, affectionate way has me throwing myself at him, burying my face in his neck, inhaling the wet, salty scent of him. The dragon fruit hits a moment later, bringing with it a powerful longing.
I wish I could keep them. I wish they could be mine.
I don’t dare say the words, I have been selfish and cruel. Without ever meaning to be.
I have been a monster.
“Mei, what’s wrong?”
