I hang up and close the tab.
Carter comes through the door, I stand and we do our customary half hug.
"If this is about the Bali contracts," I say, "they'll be on your desk Friday. As promised."
Carter shakes his head. By the way he is looking at me I know that whatever brought him here is serious. And if it's not about Bali, it can only be about the other subject that lately we have in common
"Sienna," I say.
"Sienna," he confirms.
I gesture for us to sit in the office area that has two sofas, opposite each other, with a coffee table in the middle. Carter sits forward, forearms on his knees, weight settled and deliberate. Igo to the opposite side, lean back with both arms along the top of the cushions. I know I'm performing a looseness I don't entirely feel.
"I'm going to be direct," Carter says. "I care about Sienna. A lot." He holds eye contact. "And from what she shared with me, I think we find ourselves in some sort of a triangle."
I raise an eyebrow. "How so?"
"Drop the act." Carter looks directly at me "You're not in a courtroom, so stop with the bullshit. Let’s talk straight here. Do you like her?"
I drop my performance, stand up and cross to the coffee machine on the credenza and make two espressos. I need the time to think about how to answer Carter’s question more than I need the coffee. I think about what I'm willing to say and what I'm not.
I carry both cups over. Set one in front of Carter. Sit back down.
"Whether I like her or not, it’s not relevant," I say. "You know my circumstances. I can’t drag someone along for what might be a short race. I don't have the right."
"Come on! You're as healthy as you've ever been."
"I'm still within the five-year mark." Six weeks more to go. I have that number branded in fire in my brain. "You know the statistics. They are not in my favour"
"That’s BS and you know it. Everybody can get sick at any point." He points a finger at my direction. " You are just being a coward, hiding behind your condition."
I feel the intensity of his words as a punch to the gut.
Carter is right. I've been so focused on surviving that I forgot to live. So, I might as well give him the truth.
"Yeah, I like her" I look at him and add, "A lot." I turn the espresso cup on the table. "We had a… moment. And then I wasan asshole to her, so at this point she probably has no interest in having anything to do with me."
Carter looks at me steadily. "You're wrong." A pause. "She has feelings for you. She told me yesterday."
I stop turning the cup.
This intense feeling invades my chest, grabs my lungs and makes it hard to breathe. I almost don’t recognize it.
Hope.
I haven't let myself feel that in a long time.
When I look back at Carter I see hesitation in his face.
"And you," I say. "Where do you stand?"
Carter looks at the floor to ceiling windows behind me. He takes his time thinking and the silence in the room is not comfortable.
Finally he says, "I stand on the outside of it." He looks back at me. "I've had enough of triangles in my life."
I know what he is referring to. The scar that has never let him move on. I can’t remember a time where I’ve met a woman that Carter was dating.
I look him dead in the eyes, "You're the one who's being a coward."
