“There’s nothing to hit you with.”
“Come on. Your life’s been a roller coaster and not a regular one, either. It’s more like one of those monsters engineered to go zero G's in crazy directions and flip people over.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Seriously, though.” Em taps my leg with her foot under the table. “You doing okay?”
I think about the answer longer than I should, but she’s right—my life is extremely complicated right now.
“Yeah,” I tell her.
“Really?”
“Really. You know me. I’m a lawyer. I live for logic, control, and the law's boundaries. I believe in structure. For as controlled as he is on the outside, Dmitri is chaos on the inside. He is raw,unbridled power. He moves on instinct. And his devotion to protecting me is, well, unflinching.”
I sip at my coffee before continuing.
“But even so, maybe that’s what I need. Maybe I need someone to pull me out of my obsession with perfection and limitations. And maybe he needs me as an anchor, someone to ground him and remind him that he is human. I give him a sense of normalcy, and he gives me a sense of protection and security I didn’t know I wanted.”
“Do you love him?”
“Maybe.”
“Clara.” Emily’s eyes fill with a mixture of sadness and understanding. “I saw the way he looked at you that night. The way he was such a beast when he thought you had betrayed him, the way he lost his mind when the guys in the car shot at us. It was something primal, something terrifyingly real.”
“I get that. But he’s more than just some cartoon villain, Em. He’s an actual person whom I’ve gotten to know.”
“He may be, but you can’t expect to fix him, Clara. You thought that would work with Dean, but instead, he only dragged you down with him. This isn’t some romantic comedy. This is real life, and inhisreal life, people get shot at. People get killed. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, this doesn’t turn into a happy ending with a white picket fence.”
“If you recall, I never wanted a white picket fence,” I mutter, annoyed at the direction this conversation is taking, and worried because the same thoughts have gone through my own head amillion times. “I’m fully aware of the statistics, Em. I met Dean when I was interning in the DA’s office.”
“Clara, just listen, okay? I’m your best friend. We’ve always been like sisters. I’m worried about you. Michael is worried about you.”
I don’t say anything, I just play with the festive napkin beneath my coffee cup.
“Michael spoke to his supervisor. If you feel like your life, or the baby’s life, is ever in danger again, if Dmitri loses control, or if one of his rivals gets too close, oranything else, you call me or call Michael.” Her voice drops to a whisper that I can barely hear. “They can extract you discreetly and quickly. You and the baby can disappear. You’re not trapped, Clara.”
I stare at my best friend, my smile feeling forced.
“You forgot one important point—if I disappear, you’ll miss out on all your auntie duties. Do you really want to give up dirty diaper duty? What about buying loud toys you can dump on us and then leave?”
Emily grins, but from the way she licks her lips and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, she’s not exactly happy with my response.
“Just promise me you’ll remember the offer, okay? Promise me.”
“I promise,” I tell her, meeting her eyes. We’re both going to have to be okay with that as the answer for now. “So, were you able to get a reservation at that restaurant?”
We get back to discussing the wedding and honeymoon, allowing me to concentrate on something else for a little while,instead of carrying the world on my shoulders. That is, until the feeling of being watched skitters across the back of my neck.
I pick up my nearly-empty cup, my eyes scanning the crowded mall courtyard, looking at the faces around us. A young couple arguing; a kid with headphones, typing furiously on a computer; a group of teensgigglingat their phones. But no one stands out to me.
“Clara?”
Emilyiswatching me, concerned, and I shake my head.
“It’s nothing. Just Pavel watching me. Sometimes it feels creepy, but I know he’s just there to keep me safe.”
I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to knowing he’s there; even if I can’t see him, I always have that feeling of eyes on me without any actual evidence. He’s too well trained, and it should give me solace knowing that someone is watching out for the threats against me. But it still feels like a confirmation of captivity.
