Fuck me for wanting her anyway.
Fuck me for thinking it doesn’tfeellike a mistake.
But I come to my senses and head upstairs. For one thing, I need to check on Jane. I know she’s bitterly disappointed, and she’s bound to blame me for it. I deserve part of the blame, but some of it falls at Holly’s feet. She has no concept of kids, which I should have recognized, I guess, so maybe I am the one who deserves all the blame.
“Jane?” I call out when I get upstairs. She doesn’t answer, but I find her sitting on the window seat I built for her, surrounded by the bookcases I also made. They’re full of books—some that were Millie’s when she was a kid and others I’ve bought for Jane. Her cheek is pressed to the window, and the outside of the window is wet from a sudden rainfall. She looks so forlorn it breaks my heart.
Silently, I enter her room and sit on the edge of her bed. “I’m sorry,” I say softly. “I lost my temper, and you paid the price.”
She doesn’t answer for a few seconds. “I’m not a baby.”
“I know, but sometimes I think you’re much too old for an eight-year-old. That I’ve exposed you to too much with the brewery.”
She turns to look at me. “That’s dumb.”
I release a short laugh. “I’m not so sure. But that’s not the issue at hand. You want a computer, and since this didn’t work out, I’ll find the money to get you one.”
Surprise fills her eyes. “You said we can’t afford one.”
I reach both arms out to her. She turns to me and pushes off the bench toward me. I scoop her into an embrace and hold her for several seconds, surprised when my eyes sting with tears. “I love you, more than anything in the world. If you want to code, I’ll find a way to make that happen. I’ll ask Rory if he has any second-hand computers I can buy. Hell, it’s Rory, so it’s probably going to be better than anything you and Holly would have built.”
“Maybe.” But she doesn’t sound like she believes it. I know it was more than getting a computer, it was building it with Holly, but I’m not sure how to fix that now.
She leans back and stares me in the eyes. “I love you, Dad.”
I give her a weak smile, and she lifts her hand to my face and brushes away a tear at the corner of my eye. “Why do you and Holly fight so much?
I’m not sure how to explain it when I don’t understand it myself. “Sometimes people just rub each other the wrong way.” That makes me think about Holly’s body pressed against mine as I kissed her.
Not thoughts I should be having with my daughter on my lap.
“Kind of like you and Christina,” I add. But it doesn’t feel anything like that. When I think of Holly it’s with a weird combination of anger and lust and a hint of guilt I don’t totally understand.
Jane studies me with those piercing brown eyes that feel like they can see to the depths of my soul. Finally, her gaze softens. “I saw the snacks,” she says in a quiet voice. “You even got Coke. You never let me drink Coke on a school night.”
“Yeah,” I say, scratching the back of my neck. “It seemed like this was a special night. Sorry I screwed it up for you.”
“It wasn’t all your fault,” she says. “I should have told Holly that we needed to start sooner. And I was the one who suggested we invite Mikey over for a drink. He was just so sad, Dad. It seemed wrong not to make him feel better.”
My heart swells at her empathy. I also feel like kind of a dick for presuming that Holly was the one who pushed this on us, but that doesn’t negate the fact that she didn’t do what she came to do.
No, she kissed you instead.
“What do you say we have the snacks anyway?” I ask, clearing my throat. “I’m still hanging out with you since I gave Nanny Faye the night off.”
“Can we watch a movie?” she asks with a hopeful look.
I nearly protest that it’s a school night, but instead I say, “After you finish your homework and take a shower. We can watch until bedtime.” Then I add, “But you can have snacks and a Coke while you work on your homework. Did you eat your burger?”
“Most of it, but I still have room for snacks.” She jumps to her feet. “I’m going to get started!”
I smile as she runs out of the room. God, I love that little girl, but I have to accept that she’s growing up and soon she won’t need me as much.
Which means you actually have room for someone else in your life.
It still feels wrong to think about replacing Millie, and I’m confused as hell about what happened with Holly, especially since I’ve been talking to Cherrybomb.
Is kissing Holly cheating if we’ve only talked?
All I know is that I haven’t felt what happened between me and Holly for a long, long time. My random hookups have never been like that. Part of me craves more of her.
But what if I can have that with Cherrybomb? There’s no history with Cherrybomb. There’s no laundry list of insults we’ve traded with each other. It would be a clean slate.
It feels more than coincidental when my phone buzzes with a message from the mystery woman herself, but her message surprises me.
Cherrybomb:We have to meat. Soon. What are you doing for lunch tomorrow?
I draw in a sharp breath. Obviously, the misspelling was meant to trip up the AI.
Hot Rod:Meating you. When and where?
