So what had happened? Why had he enveloped himself in this dark, all-consuming shroud for so long?
If he dug deep and was willing to admit the truth, it was in part because he knew Kyle was right. Mitch had not been the husband Jeanie had deserved in that last year. He’d been too absorbed in work. Too focused on trying to keep things normal so that somehow Jeanie would be normal again, too.
All while knowing it was never going to work. Despite that, he’d spent day after day at the keyboard, lost in a world of his own making, all the while pretending his reality was just fine. It wasn’t.
That guilt had caused him to embrace grief like it was his due. On the inside, he’d known the truth. But on the outside, he’d presented himself as a tribute to Jeanie’s enduring mark on his life. He’d made himself a living example of how deeply wounded her passing had left him.
No one questioned his heartache. No one tried to dissuade him from his grief. His editor and agent had treated him with kid gloves. Everyone he’d come in contact with handled him like a fragile object.
Except for Harper. She’d pushed when no one else had offered the slightest bit of resistance. Maybe Joyce had, too, in some small way, but Mitch was her boss. She might make a ripple, but she wasn’t going to make waves.
What a fool he’d been.
He felt like he owed a lot of people an apology. Jeanie most of all. His life these last few years hadnotbeen a tribute to her. They’d been an exercise in self-indulgence.
No wonder Kyle had left. The anger Mitch had been holding toward his son evaporated. He hoped his son was happy with Addison. Just because Mitch didn’t like her didn’t mean she was wrong for Kyle. Appearances could be deceiving. Maybe.
But more than anything, Mitch hoped Kyle had moved beyond his own grief and found a way to live life again, regardless of who it was with.
Mitch needed to do the same thing. That was the real tribute to Jeanie. To make the most of what was left of his life. He glanced over his shoulder. Willa was asleep. Harper was watching the coastline go by.
She caught his look and smiled at him. He smiled back before turning to see the way ahead again.
Next thing he knew, she was at his shoulder, the faint, pleasant coconut scent of her sunscreen drifting past.
“Hey,” she said softly. “Today was amazing. Thank you so much.”
“Thankyou,” he said, keeping his gaze on the water. “I didn’t know how much I needed today.” He thought about how he was trying to be more open and honest about his feelings. Trying and doing were two different things. Doing was so much harder. He kept his voice low as he spoke, just loud enough to be heard over the sounds of the engines and the water. “I realized something today.”
“What was that?”
“It’s time to move on from my grief. I’ve let it define me for too long. In a strange way, it’s become comfortable. I know that now. You helped me see that.”
“I did?”
He nodded. “I’ve been using Jeanie’s passing as an excuse to shut myself off from the world, telling myself it was a way of honoring her memory. It wasn’t. It was self-indulgent and a big justification for not dealing with the guilt I felt for my own behavior as a husband and a father. I screwed up. I need to own that.”
The movement of the boat brought her closer, but she didn’t say anything, just listened and nodded.
“Jeanie wouldn’t like how I’ve lived these past few years. She found joy in life, no matter what. I guess with her gone, I lost that balance. I see that now. Not saying that validates my attitude, but it certainly didn’t help.”
“That’s a big realization.”
“It felt that way to me, too. It’s embarrassing. But moving forward means I need to acknowledge that.”
“Doesn’t seem embarrassing to me. Seems like a major step forward. A very brave major step. It’s easiernotto change.”
“Which is probably why I’ve been this way for so long.” He glanced at her, happy to see a smile on her beautiful face. Eyes ahead again, he gently corrected the boat’s path. “I know the change isn’t going to be instant. Or simple. I know I’m still going to have bad days. But genuinely bad days are okay. I’ll deal with those as they come. It’s the constant wallowing that has to end.”
“This is…” Her hand came to rest on his arm. “It’s amazing. I am really proud to know you right now.”
“Don’t be proud of me yet. There’s a lot of work to be done. I get that. But I’m going to do my best to choose happiness. And to move on with my life.” He looked at her. “Anything you can do to help me would be great. Any advice, suggestions, whatever. Consider me your willing student.”
“I’ll give it some thought. Today was a great start. I know you have a book to write and a schedule you like to keep, but daysout like this? Big yes to more of these. And you should definitely keep that racquetball appointment with Lucas.”
“I will.” It would be so easy to cancel that, but she was right. He needed to keep it. “I was also thinking about looking into adopting a dog. No solid plan yet. I’m just at the thinking stage right now.”
Her smile somehow got bigger. “Another fantastic idea. Dogs force you to be social in some ways. You have to take them out for walks, and that almost always means seeing other people. And then there’s visits to the dog park.”
