I think of what Laurent said, back when we were first getting to know each other:They say that if you throw yourself into what you love doing, you’ll end up finding yourselfthere.
Laurent loves this place. The mill, the lake, the swimming hole– where he always went when he needed to think. And at that moment, I realise that’s where he’ll be. I need to explain to him that I didn’t kiss Claude and then hide it from him on purpose. Well, I did hide it from him, but only because when I realised I had feelings for him, I knew it was the one thing I couldn’t bear to have him know. It was just part of my journey … albeit a very bumpy part.
‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ I tell Madame B. ‘Keep things going here. It’s wonderful.’ I look around at the lit fire and the smiling faces.
I head out to the lakeside and the canoe, grabbing hold of it and tipping it on its side to let out any water. Laurent said the only way to get to the swimming hole was by boat. But the last time I tried to face my fear of being on the water, we nearly capsized.
I stare at the now-empty canoe. I have to do this! I need to find him and explain that what happened with Claude was when I wanted to feel seen. And now I realise what I really needed was to feel like me … and let other people see the real me. I stretch out a leg and move my weight from my back foot to the front and step in the canoe – well, more stumble forwards.
‘Oh, my word, oh, my word,’ I say, as the boat wobbles this way and that on the swollen lake. I grab the sides and sit down quickly, remembering Laurent’s words:Keep paddling. I lean forward, unhook the canoe from its mooring, then sit down again in the middle, the whole thing jiggling under me. I pull out the paddle, dip it into the water and pull back, then change sides. Soon, I’m starting to make headway.Keep paddling, I tell myself,or you’ll go under. Keep doing it.
By the time I reach the swimming hole, my arms are aching. I have to tell him I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause him any hurt or embarrassment. I look around, but he’s nowhere to be seen. I drop the paddle into the boat and put my head into my hands.The boat rocks from side to side and, right now, I don’t care if I capsize. I’m exhausted. I’ve tried everything to make things work here. Then I hear a voice.
‘The last time you took to the water, you nearly drowned me! Left me in the middle of the lake. Have you come to finish the job?’
I look up. He’s wet and pulling on his shirt, which clings to him. He’s clearly getting dressed after a swim. I swallow, wishing I wasn’t so attracted to him – not just because of his good looks, but his kindness, trustworthiness and loyalty to the village, the mill, the people … and, more recently, to me. I hurt him. I fell for the fake charms of the one man he has always mistrusted and disliked. I did the one thing that would hurt him most.
‘I thought you might have gone. Left …’ I say. ‘I’ve ruined everything. I gave Claude my money bag.’
He shakes his head. ‘That man has a way of getting what he wants.’
‘Yes, without my earnings, I’ll have to leave anyway. But, regardless of the visa situation, I couldn’t bear to hurt you any more than I have by staying around. The mill will be sold.’
He nods in understanding, his dark hair clinging to the back of his shirt, rivulets of water sticking the cotton to his skin.
Then I say gently, ‘I’ll sell the mill to you, if that’s what you want. You can have first refusal, just as the mayor originally promised. Could you raise the funds now, do you think?’
Laurent laughs. ‘What money I had went on buying the bakery van.’
‘What? That was you? There wasn’t really an old man with outstanding debts?’
He shakes his head.
‘But why?’
‘Because I wanted you to have it. I wanted this to work. You at the bakery, me at the mill.’
‘Getting one over on Claude?’
He nods.
‘Maybe we’d both become obsessed on that front. I wanted to hurt him,’ I say. ‘I felt foolish after he kissed me, and then I found out he was married.’
‘Ah, for me it was about the past, his family trying to destroy mine.’
‘What will you do? Leave too? Now that the mill will be sold.’
‘I thought about it.’ He’s gazing straight ahead into the woods. ‘But then I came here.’ He waves at the canoe. ‘Throw me the rope,’ he says, holding out a hand.
I toss it to him and he catches it effortlessly, then pulls the canoe towards the bank with me clinging to the sides. Once he’s secured it to a nearby tree trunk, I crawl across the seats to the side. He pulls me out and onto the bank, and I fall forwards, wishing my treacherous heart would stop thumping. Then he manages a smile. ‘You actually did that, got all the way up here on your own! Kept paddling.’
‘I know what you must think of me,’ I say.
And then I see it. The rain has stopped and the flash of blue from the kingfishers darts across the lake.
‘I’ll miss them,’ I whisper. ‘And I can only imagine how hard this will be for you.’
‘It’s like history repeating itself,’ he says, sitting on a large rock, watching the kingfishers.
